Over the weekend, I went over to my beautiful friend H's house to hang out. We were blazing and drinking and it was all good times (except I got a little TOO intense and probably said shit I shouldn't have said, which ALWAYS happens with me).
Well, somewhere in the night, H decided to bake a batch of brownies. Being that I was already a little blazed by that point, I just figured she was making standard brownies. So when they came popping out of the oven and I'd had a couple more puffs of the pipe, I was ready to mack on them. She handed me a small piece and said "Now, these Christmas Brownies are LETHAL. Don't eat them when you're high!" Okay. What-the-fuck ever. Om nom nom nom.
As I was already high and a little buzzed from the free flowing wine (and compounding it was the fact that I was INSANELY tired and had taken my Lithium, which makes me hella tired), I didn't notice anything off about her Christmas Brownies. I got massively intense afterwards though, which I blamed on sleep deprivation and having smoked some ganja.
Not until the next day, that is.
H sent me home with a couple of brownies cut into large squares and I was all excited to have brownies.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a huge fan of baked goods. I despise cake, I don't like cookies (unless they're soft and chewy)... breads are okay and sometimes I can tolerate muffins. But by and large, I'm not really all about baked goods. Save brownies. I LOVE brownies. So the next day it's like 1pm in the afternoon and I'm bored. There was nothing new on my forums (that I am now suspended from) and nothing awesome on TV either. So in my boredom pace around the apartment, I catch the eye of these brownies. And you know what I did. Ate one. I just straight wolfed down this MASSIVE brownie. It tasted like burned oil. I was like, "Blech. Burned oil. Still... Brownie. Oh so good. Om nom nom."
About 30 minutes later, I'm like "WOW I'm hungry... what the fuck. Maybe I will have a brownie again... I do so love me some brownies..."
Yeah, you just sharply inhaled and you fucking know it! YOU know there's something wrong with these brownies and I'm not even THERE yet.
Now, did *I* know there was something fucked up with these brownies? No. You must pardon my lack of self-awareness at this point. I knew they TASTED weird. But it tasted like burned oil and I have been known to put burned oil in my baked goods so I was kind of like, "Ha. Amateur," when I tasted the burned oil.
To get back on point, instead of macking on ANOTHER brownie, I eat some left over stir fry or something equally lame because H was all "these are LETHAL" and though, at this point, I am not sure what THAT means, I just know it means not to eat too many of these. Maybe they're extra fatty or something... like with pure lard. All of a sudden I start noticing that I am twitchy. WHY THE FUCK AM I TWITCHY. So I blame this on Bipolar and stress and having smoked pot the day before.
For some weird reason, it occurs to me as a great idea to just lay down on the floor. So I do that. Isabelle comes over and cleans my whole face and I start having these wild epiphanies about her and whether or not she loves me. As she's grooming me, I start giggling like a goofball. That's when it hits me: THESE ARE POT BROWNIES. HOLY FUCK, I ATE A POT BROWNIE. I DON'T EVEN SMOKE POT ALL THAT MUCH AND I ATE A BIG ASS FUCKING POT BROWNIE!! WHAT THE FUCK!!
So I text H, "These are pot brownies." She responds, "Of course. I told you that. You watched me make them. :)"
She probably did. But I obviously did not hear her.
Fuck. Well it's too late to worry about it NOW. Let's just ride this wave out. I end up watching Dexter and I was tripping BALLS through the whole episode. You ever been so high that life makes sense to you on an alternate plane of reality? Yeah. Well that stoned. I had to re-watch it later to fully understand what the hell was going on. Then I fell asleep and slept for 8 hours.
This shit only happens to me.
The problem I have is that my VERY Mormon best friend is coming to visit and this is a woman who will inhale a brownie and look at you going, "What brownie?" I still have two of these lethal motherfuckers in my fridge (WHERE ELSE DO YOU KEEP POT BROWNIES!?). So she's going to come visit and inhale a pot brownie and then I'm the asshole because I didn't mark the bag clearly "POT BROWNIE". I'm half tempted to just eat the fucking brownies before she gets here so she can't be all "OHHHH BROWNIES" NOOO!!! DON'T EAT THOSE!!! But then if I eat them, *I* have to deal with being so stoned out of my skull that shit just gets WEIRD.
I also thought about being "DON'T EAT THAT. IT HAS ANIMAL PRODUCTS IN IT" (she's also vegan) but I know her and she'll be all, "FUCK. ANIMALS. BROWNIE. Om nom nom."
I told my therapist about my dilemma and she was all "Why not just throw out the brownie?" AND WASTE A PERFECTLY GOOD BROWNIE!? THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT. Other than it's like saturated in illegal narcotics. Well it's not illegal if I have a prescription. And I do not. SO THE POINT STANDS. Perfectly good brownie. Laced with pot. Mormon BFF who loves brownies.
Ohai Mormon BFF. I can haz pot brownies. You no eats. K?
Of course I have to admit to myself that my house is stocked with more liquor than I was able to drink at the PEAK of my alcoholism, thanks in large part to people who don't know what to bring a Kosher Jew for dinner so they just bring me alcohol. And I don't fucking drink. So chill it does. I mean, I suppose I never know when someone will come over and want a beer. And HEY! I have beer! But the addition of pot brownies to my repertoire of booze and prescription pills kind of makes me look like I'm rapidly falling right back down that rabbit hole of addiction.
I swear, hand to Gd, I have like ONE glass of wine per week, IF that. I don't drink hard alcohol. I don't even know where half of that liquor came from! I haven't been drunk in almost a YEAR now (not since last New Years). I smoke pot like once every 2 or 3 months and even then it's one or two hits before I put the pipe down and get in the game zone for a few hours. I'M A FEATHERWEIGHT! Now pills... I take pills. I only take pills prescribed to me but I do pop a lot of pills (Lithium, Xanax, Zyprexa, and Ambien). Never more than the therapeutic dose but I have to admit to popping pills.
Fuck.
(goes off to reluctantly eat a pot brownie and make the evidence disappear rather than be called an addict)
(with a Cap'n and Coke)
;)
Formerly an online journal. Now just space for apologies.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Friday, November 25, 2011
Christmas Tree of Terror
With Christmas now fast on its way, I'm thinking a turn for the lighter fare might be in order.
In my house, we always spent Christmas Eve curled up on the couch with a box of Chinese food watching horror movies. It started out in 1999 when I was completely burned out on Christmas. We always ordered Chinese food and watched movies but that year, I asked my mom if we could watch some anti-Christmas movies. We dialed into our 56k modem and looked up Anti-Christmas movies. That year, we watched Die Hard and Gremlins. The year following, my mother wanted to keep up the tradition of Anti-Christmas movies so we watched horror movies.
Despite my religious conversion to Judaism, I still honor this family tradition by ordering up a steaming pile of fried rice and horror movies in one genre or another. As a horror movie connoisseur, I'm constantly being asked for the genre's scariest movies. I heard it said on Chiller (an American horror movie channel on DirecTV) that horror fans are constantly searching for that first fright, that first high we got from the very first movie to scare us, and I agree completely. I've long since given up on American horror being able to scare me but I still follow the genre looking for things that will assault my senses and raise the hairs on the back of my neck.
So in honor of the Anti-Christmas horror movie film festival that happens in my home every year, below are some of my all-time FAVORITE horror movies.
#1 - Paranormal Activity 2 (2010)
Now, I have to give mad props to the first Paranormal Activity (2009) for breaking through the wall of cheap cheesy horror that had been plaguing us for much of the last 15 years (with a few honorable mentions) and bringing back the homage to the horror in your head. You never SAW the demon. But the second one left out the annoying hum that alerted you to the horror in the first one and that is why it became my favorite. For me, a key to horror is being able to surprise you and leaving out the hum allowed you to anticipate but never expect it. While the first one freaked me out, the second one STILL freaks me out because, even if I know that this is the cabinet scene and I have SEEN this cabinet scene 400 million times now, it STILL sneaks up on you on repeat viewings. It sucks you in from the beginning and you are all of a sudden on the ride with them. It's rare that you get so sucked into a movie the way I got sucked into Paranormal Activity 2 and it is a crucial element of horror to suck you in and take you on the chaotic rollercoaster. So because it is so gripping and because no matter how many times you see it, it will STILL raise the hairs on your neck, I recommend this movie. Honors go to Paranormal Activity 3 (2011) because of the rotating camera. If you watch the first and second ones multiple times, the ending to the third one will piss you off to NO end. But if you've never seen any of them or you only watched them once (or you walk out of the theaters when they get to grandma's house), all three are amazing. And DON'T try to watch them in chronological order. It just irritates you. Trust me. I've tried.
#2 - Thirteen Ghosts (2001)
Note that I am referring to the remake, not the original 1960 feature, which I have honestly never seen. I can't say enough about why I love this movie with all of my heart and soul. No. That's not true. I don't have an empirical reason for adoring this movie to pieces. I just do. The ghosts themselves, the machine, the plot... this movie has so much bang for its buck. Yeah, it's got a cheesy sub-plot and it's full of cliches, but... the ghosts. There's something spectacularly wonderful about the 12 captured ghosts and how they wander around killing people. One of the ghosts (The Angry Princess) actually became a regular hallucination, that's how much this movie is embedded into my psyche.
#3 - The Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005)
Part "Law and Order", part "Exorcist" with none of the cheesiness of masturbating on your period with a crucifix, Emily Rose takes you on a wild ride with the woman I consider the new Queen of Scream, Jennifer Carpenter (Quarantine, Dexter). The drama that happens in between the telling of Emily's story ropes you in so that you suffer through the bone chilling possession scenes, and all through the movie you're presented with an alternate time-line. Is she possessed? Is she not? You decide. This movie is so completely brilliant all over the place.
#4 - Bride of Chucky (1998)
This movie belongs in the "Horror Comedy" sub-genre (along with Shaun of the Dead and Scream) and I don't even consider it truly a horror movie. This movie is HYSTERICAL. Now, let's give a shout out to the original. Nothing will replace "Child's Play"(1988) in any horror movie fan's repertoire and that movie will always have a special place in my heart. But I have always said that death by itself doesn't mean it's a horror movie. That said, Jennifer Tilly was the PERFECT actress to play Tiffany, Chucky's former lover. And the underlying humor that we all KNEW was there in the original "Child's Play" movies suddenly bursts out onto the scene. You laugh... and then there's intestines... and then you laugh a little bit more... and then someone catches nails to the face. This movie holds a special place in my heart BECAUSE it is a horror comedy.
#5 - Poltergeist (1982)
What do you get when you combine a haunted house with a creepy child and then demonically possessed toys? You get Poltergeist. while she's not the creepiest child I have ever seen in a horror movie, her one liner ("They're heeeeeeerrree") makes everyone stop and pay attention. Thirty years later, this movie still tops the list of many horror movie fanatics as a fan favorite. And you can't explain WHY. Thirty years later, we have movies that actually have shocked our senses so seeing a little girl covered in slime and skeletons popping up out of the ground is hardly scary. But c'mon now. You don't pitch the baby with the bathwater. Poltergeist is still freaky as hell. It's well-acted, the plot is compelling, and WHO DOESN'T LOVE A CREEPY CHILD STUCK IN THE TV! But my FAVORITE part was the demon possessed toy room. Craig T. Nelson opens the door for the paranormal researchers and this plastic 45-player rotates into view where the record spins backwards as if to say "Ohai! I'm a demon possessed record player. No Big Deal." And THEN Craig T. Nelson acts like this is totally a normal thing to happen. Fabulous. Fan-fucking-tastic scene.
#6 - Saw (2004)
Really, you should watch any of the Saw movies except the last one. But the first one VIOLATED our senses as American Horror fans because it ushered in the "Torture Porn" sub-genre and as such, it will always be my favorite. Well that and I have an immense hard on for Cary Elwes and would love to chain him to MY bathtub for a few years. Now, one of the things I didn't like as much about the franchise is that they explained the history of the serial killer. As long-time readers will remember, this is my BIGGEST pet peeve about horror movies. I don't need to know why my serial killer BECAME a serial killer ("Hannibal" and "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning" I'm looking at you!). I just want him to kill people in an epic fashion! That said, Jigsaw was a highly unusual horror movie villain from the get-go. His were kills of mercy and there were always ways out of his traps. He WANTED you to fight for your life. Most of the time you failed miserably and, towards the end of the franchise, his proteges were just offing people to off them, but in the original Saw movie, he WANTED you to WANT to live. The thing that made the original Saw movie a classic in my mind was that it was truly a genre bender. It was gory as FUCK and truly opened up the "Torture Porn" genre. Sure, there has been gore since the beginning. But this was a whole new level of gore. And it was combined with a serious mind fuck that placed it squarely in the horror hall of fame. The writer and director have both said that they do not consider Saw to be a horror movie, but a thriller. And it will thrill the FUCK out of you if you are a horror movie junkie like I am.
#7 - Quarantine (2008)
I know. I know. I keep picking movies from the last decade and I keep picking American movies at that. But seriously... I have seen "[REC]" (2007) and I have seen "Quarantine" and I wouldn't be doing my fellow horror movie fan's any justice if I didn't pick the American version over the Spanish version. Both movies have identical plots and nearly identical scripts, so there's no fundamental difference there. The BIG difference is Jennifer Carpenter. As I said before with "Emily Rose", Jennifer Carpenter is this generation's Queen of Scream. She is almost genetically engineered for horror and she does it so BRILLIANTLY. I didn't have the pleasure of seeing this movie on the big screen but if I had, it probably would have gotten under my collar much the same way "Paranormal Activity" did. In fact, when I first watched it on DVD (picked up from Redbox), I watched it in total darkness and it STILL freaked me out to no end. Her screams in the last act of the film are enough to freeze anyone's blood. "[REC]" picked a very pretty lady with very meek screams and it didn't freak me out much at all. But Jennifer Carpenter has this blood curdling scream that stops you in your place and makes you shutter, much the same way that Jamie Lee Curtis did in the original Halloween movie. SHE makes this movie a freaky success. Just her alone. I also kinda liked that the found footage had the guy from "Hostel" in it (as a fireman) and the girl from "Emily Rose". While I understand the logic in hiring rookie actors for a "found footage" movie, they're MUCH better when the actors are professionals AND used to the genre. I feel like "Quarantine" is a nod to those of us who are a bit more picky with our horror. That said, not everyone is into "Found Footage," especially after "The Blair Witch Project" (1999) and "Cloverfield" (2008) and while I can understand that, I feel like my horror movie fans overlook the genre too much BECAUSE of "Blair Witch" and "Cloverfield" and when they do that, they miss gems like "Paranormal Activity" and "Quarantine."
#8 - I Spit On Your Grave
Notice I put no release year on this one. That is because BOTH movies (1978 and 2010) are classics on my list. I'm almost never impressed with the remake/rebooting of my favorite horror movies from the 70s and 80s (I offer up "The Wicker Man" - the 2006 remake of the 1973 film - as a prime example of a reboot that should have been burned on the cutting room floor, DESPITE starring my all-time favorite actor, Nicholas Cage.) and it is happening with increasing frequency as the Pepsi Generation starts becoming the ones with the most disposable income. I never understood the loyalty to a certain actor playing a certain character (think "James Bond") until they rebooted "Nightmare on Elm Street" and they did it without Robert Englund. I suffered. Greatly. Even "Freddy vs. Jason" (2003) was easier to choke down than the remake of "Nightmare" BECAUSE Robert Englund was still doing Freddy. That said (and I will elaborate more later on in this post), "I Spit On Your Grave" was done by a director who was in total awe of the original and rebooted it so it was faithful. The gore factor was increased ten-fold, as will happen since the whole genre has become more focused on SEEING the violence and less on IMAGINING the gore (think of "Psycho" and how little gore there was in the 1960 Alfred Hitchcock version, which relied mostly on shadows and imagination to scare you with a big reveal of a decomposing corpse as their gross out scene, as opposed to the Gus Van Saint version released in 1998, where there was ample blood and explicit gore throughout), but the remake honestly made me feel proud to be a horror movie fan because it bowed down to the original and only sought to move the movie out of the seventies. Both versions are must-watches but I admit to being partial to the newer version because I have hated Matthew Lillard ever since he did "Scream" (1996) and the chick was about 10 times more attractive in the reboot. But if you're a woman and you're feeling slightly disempowered, watch "I Spit On Your Grave." You'll fist pump at the end.
#9 - Jason X (2002)
I had a very hard time relating to the "Friday the 13th" series growing up because I never went to summer camp and I never found Jason to be a particularly menacing villain. I had a hard time with Michael Meyers and Leatherface for very similar reasons. But as someone who is addicted to horror and science fiction, "Jason X" appealed to my senses in a way I did not expect. The premise is that Jason was captured and cryogenically frozen, but then thawed due to clerical error and goes on a killing rampage on a space station in 2455. Yes. Cheesy as hell, I know. But I freaking love this movie. some horror fans place Aliens in their collection as a great example of Horror Does Sci Fi. I don't. Likewise, I almost don't classify "Jason X" as horror other than it stars Jason. It's a very high budget movie with lots of glitz and glamour. Jason is stuck in a time warp though and that's what makes it cool. And it's totally tacky. But it EMBRACES the tacky-ness, and doesn't try to be legitimate. Many of my favorite horror movies are completely campy and "Jason X" is a prime example of total camp. But it's a good one for people who are squeamish about scary movies and it always takes me to my horror happy place, so it's on my favorites. It's also the last time that Kane Hodder played Jason so we can all shed a tear at the end of "Jason X" as Kane bows out of the role he made famous.
#10 - "Nightmare on Elm Street" (1984)
For my final movie, I just HAD to go back to the franchise who stared my obsession with horror. The first movie to scare the shit out of me was "Nightmare on Elm Street V: Dream Child" (1989). I was six and we were watching it on HBO. My mom had let me see "The Making Of" special and we talked very seriously about the difference between reality and make-believe before she allowed me to watch it. But I was a big girl and this wasn't gonna scare me at ALL. Well... I didn't sleep for weeks afterwards and I had nightmares about Freddy coming out of the toilet trying to get me for a few months. That first horror movie thrill that all of us horror movie junkies had (and is the reason we're so entranced by the genre) was given to me by robert Englund's Freddy Kreuger. As time has gone on, I always go back to Freddy when I'm looking for my horror happy place and I have watched the entire franchise, including the reboot. The thing about the reboot was that Freddy was an ICON in the 80s. He wasn't just a villain. He was an icon in the same vein as Max Hedroom. Freddy was EVERYWHERE. He was pitching Pepsi and there were toys. Robert Englund MADE him an icon. He was funny, crass, crude, and then he killed you. The reboot made Freddy a sad human being who could be shrink'd out of his urge to kill for even just 2 minutes. You couldn't do that with Robert Englund's Freddy. He would have laughed, called you a dickbag, and killed you anyway. The reboot seriously almost made me cry with how much Freddy had changed. The thing that made the franchise great was that it never FULLY explained why Freddy was mass murdering people in their sleep. I mean, you knew he was a pedophile who was killed by townies in a massive fire, but there was never back story. Too many other franchises spend all their time on the villain's back story and with Freddy this was not a problem. He just went around killing new people and stalking the fuck out of The One Who Got Away. And while any movie in this franchise (save the 2010 reboot) is quality and worth your time, you HAVE to start with the movie where he was created because it just doesn't get any better than watching Wes Craven push Robert Englund in such a wonderful, beautiful horror movie flow. And the scene where he kills Johnny Depp tops SO many horror movie lists as one of the scariest movie scenes ever put on celluloid. PLUS... that shit happens early on so it really sets the tone of the movie. For my money, "Nightmare on Elm Street" ranks as one of my FAVORITE movies of all time, and even more so when it's favorite horror movies.
Honorable Mention: "Hellraiser" (1987)
You can't have a horror movie list without Pinhead and the Cenobytes! And honestly, Pinhead was the ONLY horror villain I ever wanted to know the back story on (which is revealed as you go through the franchise). But the thing about Clive Barker's "Hellraiser" is that it's a WEIRD kind of horror. It builds suspense and you're anticipating this gruesome scene but totally 80's style gruesome... and then it happens... but it's not at ALL what you expected. It's random claws shooting out of nothingness and ripping your skin off. It's the chatterer wandering in and chattering at you because now you're somewhere between dead and hell in a place where torture is pleasure and then there's the step-mom who is TOTALLY Norman Bates about the world but you don't know why she's got a frozen rod up her ass. It's fucking WEIRD. But definitely a Must See.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
You Raped Me
(He'll know who this is about)
I was surfing the web aimlessly. My brain is completely fried. My nerves are worn.I stumbled on a picture of you. I don't know how I ended up there. But there you were.
My chest tightened and clenched.
My breathing shortened.
I thought I was over you. I thought I'd forgiven and moved forward.
I know why I launched into a panic attack.
You raped me.
You stupid son of a bitch, YOU. RAPED. ME.
"baby shush. If you loved me you'd do it."I'm too drunk.
"Oh hush baby... if you loved me..."I don't want to.
As you pulled on my night gown. "Oh baby baby"But I don't want to.
"Shhh. C'mon now. If you loved me..."I do love you. Why this? I'm not in the mood.
"C'mon now baby. If you want this to work out, you'll do it for me..."I do want us to work out. I do love you.
I'm Niddah.
I don't want to.
I'm drunk.
I had a bad day.
I'm not in the mood.
I'm Niddah.
I don't want to.
I'm drunk.
I had a bad day.
I'm not in the mood.
You did it anyway.
YOU. RAPED. ME. You know why I didn't go to the cops? They already told me that being beaten to within an inch of my life, being forced on the floor and held down while a man violently assaulted me, that going to the hospital right away and reporting it, getting photographed and having my character torn apart on the stand.... that wasn't rape.
Why would they ever think what you did was rape?
But it was. I knew it was rape the moment I stood in the shower trying to take off my skin... skin that you touched the night before. I scrubbed until I bled. I washed my nightgown. I put the birthday cake away. I got dressed for work.
You raped me.
I tried to talk to you about it. I tried to tell you what you did. I wanted so much for you to fall to your knees and apologize and tell me you shouldn't have forced me.
But.
You threw things at me. You came home from work and called me names and threw things at me. You told me I was a liar and to take it back. You said you never could do that and I was a psycho. You said I was a common whore and I didn't deserve to lick the dirt off your boot.
It was my birthday.
You raped me on my fucking birthday.
After you threw me out of OUR home for telling you that you raped me....
After you threw me out for good...
I had to go out and screw faceless men to reclaim my power. You stole that from me. You stole my power. You stole my voice. You stole my ability to be loved.
You raped me.
My skin STILL crawls. It's your fault. YOU make my skin crawl. I go right into that protective mode when a man wants sex from me. I can't feel love through sex anymore. Sex is a means to take my power. Sex hurts me. I can't let my guard down for sex. It's my power. You almost walked off with all of my shit and I'm STILL trying to get it all back.
I WANT MY VOICE.
YOU RAPED ME.
Just so we're clear, The Crazy Israeli was/is a lot of (bad) things, but he was definitely not a rapist.
This event predates him. This was Jeremiah.
This event predates him. This was Jeremiah.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Somebody Almost Walked Off With All Of My Stuff
(NOTE: This is not the original poem. This is transcribed from the movie "For Colored Girls" thus the language of the original poem is lost to me but as I found this poem moving, I am posting it here. I didn't write this. Ntozake Shange did.)
That said, I came across a movie called "For Colored Girls" which is based on the 1975 choreopoem stage-play "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow is Enuf" by Ntozake Shange. At first, the movie was dull and uninspiring but I forced myself to stick with it because Tyler Perry movies have a unique way of starting out slow and annoying to crescendo with some kind of moral and then let you relax in the moral.
This movie was no different. And, for me, it all kicked off with this poem right here. The movie was slow starting and there was a lot going on, making it hard to focus on who was doing what, and when did this dialogue become a poem. I struggled to find anything I could relate to in this movie, which is rare for me, as I usually relate to Tyler Perry movies (or at least have sympathy for the characters) pretty early on. But Loretta Divine, who played Juanita Sims - the lady in Green - delivered the above poem with such ferocity that I had to watch it about 50 times before I decided to transcribe it so I could keep it forever. This poem kicked me in the teeth.
My mom says she's never been that in love, but I know I have. And this weekend was a weekend of healing and sickness, of redemption and starting to move forward. This weekend, I had to make note of the fact that someone almost walked off with all of my stuff.
I was profoundly moved by the lightheartedness and playfulness of this poem, despite it's deep dark subject matter. A lover who takes so much of you that when he leaves, you're not sure who you are anymore. That has been something I have been struggling with myself these last few months. I just feel like this poem is very moving and I feel like a lot of girls out there can relate to the feeling of watching yourself being carried off in a plastic bag under some man's arm.
Somebody almost walked off with all of my stuff.Over the weekend, I curled up with a couple of Tyler Perry movies. I'm probably the only white girl in the world who gets a kick out of Tyler Perry movies but the point is that I know a Madea and everything he has done up to this point has been enjoyable to me.
And didn't care enough to send a note home saying
I was late for my solo conversation
Or two sizes too small for my own tacky skirts.
What can anybody do with something of no value on an open market?
Did you get a dime for my things?
Hey man!
Where are you going with all of my stuff?
This is a woman's trip and I need my stuff to "ooh" and "ahh" about
Honest to God, somebody almost ran off with all of my stuff!
And I didn't bring anything but the kick and sway of it
The perfect ass for my man
And none of it is there.
This is mine. Juanita's own things.
That's my name. Now give me my stuff!
I see you hiding my laugh
And how I sit with my legs open sometimes to give my crotch some sunlight
This is some delicate leg and whimsical hips
I gotta have to give to my choice
So you can't have me unless I give me away
And I was doing all that until you ran off on a good thing
And who is this you left me with?
Some simple bitch with a bad attitude.
I want my things!
I want my arms with the hot iron scar
I want my leg with flea bites
Yeah, I want my things!
I want my calloused feet and my quick language back in my mouth
I want my own things
How I loved them
Somebody almost ran off with all of my stuff
And I was standing there looking at myself the whole time
It wasn't a spirit that ran off with all of my stuff
It was a man, who's ego walked 'round like Rodan's shadow
It was a man faster than my innocence
It was a lover I made too much room for
Almost ran off with all of my stuff
And the one running with it
Don't know he got it
I'm shouting "This is mine!"
And he don't even know he got it
My stuff is the monogamous, ripped-off treasure of the year
Did you know
Somebody almost got away with me?
Me, in a plastic bag under their arms.
Me, Juanita Sims
Somebody almost walked off with all of my stuff
That said, I came across a movie called "For Colored Girls" which is based on the 1975 choreopoem stage-play "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow is Enuf" by Ntozake Shange. At first, the movie was dull and uninspiring but I forced myself to stick with it because Tyler Perry movies have a unique way of starting out slow and annoying to crescendo with some kind of moral and then let you relax in the moral.
This movie was no different. And, for me, it all kicked off with this poem right here. The movie was slow starting and there was a lot going on, making it hard to focus on who was doing what, and when did this dialogue become a poem. I struggled to find anything I could relate to in this movie, which is rare for me, as I usually relate to Tyler Perry movies (or at least have sympathy for the characters) pretty early on. But Loretta Divine, who played Juanita Sims - the lady in Green - delivered the above poem with such ferocity that I had to watch it about 50 times before I decided to transcribe it so I could keep it forever. This poem kicked me in the teeth.
My mom says she's never been that in love, but I know I have. And this weekend was a weekend of healing and sickness, of redemption and starting to move forward. This weekend, I had to make note of the fact that someone almost walked off with all of my stuff.
I was profoundly moved by the lightheartedness and playfulness of this poem, despite it's deep dark subject matter. A lover who takes so much of you that when he leaves, you're not sure who you are anymore. That has been something I have been struggling with myself these last few months. I just feel like this poem is very moving and I feel like a lot of girls out there can relate to the feeling of watching yourself being carried off in a plastic bag under some man's arm.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Tattoo Wisdom from a Tattooed Freak
On the eve of getting my 8th piece, a half sleeve on my right arm, I started thinking about tattoos and things I wish that I had known about them when I first started getting them. I thought I would share lessons about tattoos and tattooing with the world.
1. You really DO get what you pay for.
We're all concerned with saving a buck, but when it comes to tattoo work, you should NOT skimp and try to find the best deal. I can't even tell you the sheer number of tattoo artists I have spoken with who tell me about people that come into a tattoo shop and are "price shopping." These people want to get the most bang for their buck and they usually end up woefully disappointed when their tattoo comes out looking cheap. I personally have three pieces that were done while price shopping and they ALL have required a few hundred dollars to get them fixed by another, more experienced artist.
This isn't to say that a newbie artist can't do good work. I have one tattoo done by a newbie artist that came out very well. But by and large, what you should look for when you're shopping tattoo parlors is the work. You want to see a portfolio full of pictures of art that they have done and in the body placement you want. If you want a cheap tattoo, you're going to get a cheap tattoo. And they are permanent too! Fixing them costs hundreds of dollars, and that's assuming that all that happens is that you get a cheap looking tattoo. In the worst case scenario, you could wind up with significant scarring on your tattoo. You could wind up with an infection in your tattoo which will forever damage it. My ankle tattoo was done while price shopping and it ended up getting severely infected, to the point where I wound up in the doctors office with a major fever and required massive antibiotics to get it under control. But if you want a well done piece of body art that you will be proud of for decades to come, you need to think less about cost and more about the artists themselves.
2. Getting a tattoo doesn't really hurt. At least not as bad as you think it will hurt.
Someone once told me that if tattoos really hurt, people wouldn't keep getting them. But when I was new to the process, I was TERRIFIED of the pain and everyone around me kept making it out to be this hugely horrible pain. It doesn't hurt. It's obviously not going to feel like rubbing bunny fur on your skin, but it's not this agonizing pain either. More than anything, it's annoying but it doesn't really hurt. That said, it also depends on the placement of the tattoo.
I have seven tattoos and of those seven, only two actually hurt: My lower spine and my ribs. I have been told that the knees, the elbows, and anywhere that your body bends hurts as well, but I wouldn't know anything about that personally. For me, though, I was a BEAST through my tattoos and I get compliments from my tattoo artists that I might be screaming and crying and vocalizing but I'm impossibly still and I handled it better than other people who had similar work done. The picture to the left of this text is me getting my 6th piece (my second custom job) tattooed onto my chest and ribcage. It's weird though. I looked like I'd been sliced open with a scalpel and I had to stop more than a few times so I could gather my wits, but you could breathe through the pain as long as you could focus on something else and just stare at it. It wasn't the end of the world if you had to stop for a minute to take a deep breath. There are pictures of me taking a break mid-tattoo and everyone who has seen them said I looked like I was about to stab someone. I wasn't. But it didn't feel too great. That said, my whole goal with my tattoos was to get ink in painful places. Once I had my first taste of ink, I wanted more and more until I found something that hurt. That's why I have a lower back tattoo and a rib tattoo. I likely won't ever get my elbows or knees done, but the ribs was pretty beastly. And in about 4 months, my rib tattoo will be done and I'll be able to think about getting more work in painful places... like the top of my foot.
3. There are as many different after-care instructions as there are tattoo artists. And all of them are right.
This one sounds counter-intuitive, doesn't it? How to care for your new tattoo is really one of those open to interpretation things though. Some artists will tell you to leave the bandage on for 12-24 hours. Some will say take it off and let it breathe as soon as you get home. Some will tell you to use A&D ointment twice a day for a week. Others say to use a scent-free lotion every 2 hours. Some will say no submerging your new ink for a week.
Others will tell you that it's fine to bathe after 24 hours. Really, they're all right. There are no hard and fast rules for how to care for your tattoo, so what you have to do is listen to your individual artist until you find a system that works. You have to keep in mind that a tattoo IS a wound, similar to scraping your knee or getting a sunburn. Therefore you want to make sure to keep it clean and protect it for a few days at least until the scab starts to form.
For me, what I do is that I start about a week before the work by putting lotion on the area where I will be getting the work done every 12 hours. Then I will leave the bandage on until I get home. I take it off and shower, making sure to wash the tattoo with Provon medicated lotion soap because it is, after all, a wound. I will get out of the shower and apply A&D right out of the shower. 12 hours later, I wash it with Provon again and apply more A&D. The next day, I start applying Eucerin Moisturizing Cream (I use the cream because of my psoriasis and how it dries out my skin severely) every 4-6 hours until a scab forms. Then I apply Eucerin as needed (when my skin feels dry - and your tattoo WILL feel like a really bad sunburn). You have to wash it at LEAST every day until it's all healed. I have psoriasis so my skin tends to go into psycho attack mode when I get tattoo work done which can damage my tattoo (and does - it's damaged at least 2 of my tattoos). Fortunately my artist has a lot of experience with psoriasis so she won't push my skin to the point where it starts violently revolting. There are (expensive) specialty goos out on the market but really all you need is a good alcohol free lotion, a tube of A&D, and some antibacterial soap. Oh and just so you know, you'll KNOW your lotion has alcohol in it the minute you try applying it to your fresh tattoo. With my rib tattoo, I was short on lotion so I borrowed some from my cube neighbor and it looked scent free so I didn't think it would hurt to borrow some. Almost as soon as my hand touched my tattoo, it felt like I had just poured napalm on my already-massively-in-pain ribcage. I literally screamed and darted off to the bathroom to wash it off.
4. There ARE things you can do that will make getting your tattoo a heck of a lot easier
Whenever people ask me if I have any advice for what to do before getting a tattoo, I always tell them the following:
* Eat a big meal about 30 minutes before going under the needle.
This makes your stomach a heck of a lot less queasy and it raises your blood sugar. The process of getting a tattoo raises your adrenaline and endorphin levels, which can DESTROY your blood sugar levels. People pass out getting tattoos all the time and it's because the tattooing process dramatically lowers your blood sugar. But if you eat a heavy meal just before, you can avoid that.
* Get plenty of rest the night before. I know you're excited to get a tattoo, but try to get a full 8-10 hours the night before, otherwise your pain tolerance is going to be dramatically lowered.
* While you're eating that big meal before your tattoo appointment, take 2 ibuprofen or 2 aspirin. When you get a tattoo, the endorphin rush takes about 30 minutes to kick in so the ibuprofen is there to get you through to the rush. It also thins your blood so you bleed less while getting the tattoo. And for those of us who are pain junkies, if we're getting tattooed in an unusually painful place, it helps to take a couple of Xanax with your aspirin.
* DO NOT GET DRUNK! People think that drunk means they will feel no pain but alcohol in your bloodstream also means that you will bleed more and move around more and be generally a more difficult customer. That said, I will not lie to you and say I have been completely 100% lucid for all of my tattoos. For 6 of my seven, yes - I was 100% Lucid and present. But about halfway through my bird, I got up off the table, and took 2 shots of Vodka. I was going to walk out half done if I hadn't and my artist was like, "You might want to consider some liquid courage at this point." So we went ahead with drugging me stupid and I just didn't drive myself home. I'm going to be finishing the bird in December and have already heard the jokes about how I need a designated driver before I can schedule it.
5. DO NOT - under ANY circumstances - MOVE OR FLINCH.
See, tattooing is permanent and what you DON'T want are scribbled lines. STAY STILL. Scream, cry out, make faces, but DO NOT MOVE. In other words, do not be this lady:
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5MPJnwJrfE]
6. You WILL want more when you are done.
I have NEVER met anyone in my entire life who had a tattoo and didn't have ideas for 10 others. They're like Pringles - you can't have just one. But here's the thing I want all you rookie tattoo virgins to know - DO NOT GET SOMETHING POPULAR. What you want to get is a symbol, be that a symbol of you and your life or a symbol of the moment. Don't get something because it's pretty and all your friends have similar tattoos. Get something that has a bit of substance behind it. You WILL live to regret that tribal tattoo when it's no longer en vogue.
I have one cousin who recently got a tribal armband and when I saw it, my first thought was "I thought we were past that fad..." My second thought was that it's totally trashy and makes her look like a cheap whore or wicked party girl. My final thought was, "She's going to live to regret that tattoo." I have another cousin with pirate flags on her chest. She looks cheap and trashy too. In fact, you can tell that all of HER tattoos were done while price shopping so they all look cheap and trashy. But that aside, she got three pirate tattoos in the middle of the pirate tattoo fad. And she will live to regret them.
Now, I am totally NOT against spontaneous flash tattoos in the slightest. Don't misunderstand me. I am totally on board with commemorating a moment in time with a tattoo. My foot tattoo is going to be a "moment commemoration." It's going to commemorate the first time I went on a real vacation and spent a week in near total solitude with my favorite "little sister." Garfield commemorates a moment in time. Elmo commemorates a moment in time. The Trek tattoo commemorates a moment in time. While I can assign a deeper meaning to all of these tattoos and indeed, I am hesitant to cover them up because there IS such a deeper meaning associated with them, the plain and simple fact is that they were all flash tattoos that I got in a moment in time so I would remember that moment.
But getting a "moment" tattoo and getting a "fad" tattoo are two separate things. Fad tattoos eventually fall out of style. And when you're looking back on your skin at 50, 60, or even 80, are you going to want to say to someone asking you to tell the stories of your tattoos, "I was young and dumb when I got that... there's no meaning behind it." I look at my Elmo and I can tell you a WICKED story about a night of heavy drinking with my then-fiance (now ex-husband) and my best guy friend of all time when I was a sophomore in college and had JUST moved to Las Vegas (and indeed, all three of us got inked that night). The same goes for my other 2 flash tattoos. They were moments frozen in time for me. Some of my tattoos tell the greater story of my life... some of them are incredibly symbolic and deeply meaningful. Some of them commemorate a moment in time that I wanted to remember for the rest of my life. And that's not what I'm against. What I'm against are people who get tattoos because they're "pretty" or "fun." A tattoo is a piece of art that you will have with you for the rest of your life. Yes, it is meant to be pretty. I think that if you got an ugly tattoo, you fell victim to crime number one on this blog (price shopping). And I'll even grant you that some people get tattoos that are JUST really nice pieces of art. But I think that - at the end of the day - you want a tattoo that will hold some meaning for you 10, 15 or 40 years down the road.
I shutter to think about what all the girls my age are now saying about the tribal "tramp stamps" and the nautical stars they got. And if my cousin is any indication, tribal armbands are back now too. Either that or she's stuck in 1998 when they WERE the big rage of the day. And really, either scenario makes me laugh. I have friends with tribal armbands and they all tell me, "I was young and dumb..." Many of them are now starting to cover up or remove these horrendous tattoo fad decisions and it's really just not worth it. Just be aware of tattoo fads and don't give in. I shutter to think about all the people getting fingerstaches, inner lip tattoos, and belly button tattoos (where your belly button is some animals rectum - donkey and cats are the leaders in this area) and how do they plan qualifying their ink to future generations. There's a statistic that says that 50% of the tattoos done today will end up covered up or lasered off. Both options can cost hundreds of dollars, hours of torturous pain, and much more grief than just not getting the damn tattoo in the first place. It's not a contest. You don't need to have more ink than me and I don't need more ink than you. I have the right number of tattoos for me and when I start to feel like a part of my body is too naked, I will save up and get another tattoo. I have been planning to get a half sleeve for well over 3 years now. My arm just feels beyond naked and I want to see a nice piece of full color art there. When I could stand it no more, I called up my artist and planned a consultation. We start work on the 21st and I will likely have 3 total appointments for my arm plus the one for my bird that I made when I was in for my consult, which will get me through until the end of the year (with going in for a sitting once a month, as my tattoos always take longer to heal than normal). And that will satiate me for a few months until it's time to get my foot tattoo. After that - who knows how long it will be before I find my way back to the tattoo parlor. It's never more than a year or a year and a half before I'm doing a consult on my next piece. That's why I have so many.
Just like Pringles.
1. You really DO get what you pay for.
We're all concerned with saving a buck, but when it comes to tattoo work, you should NOT skimp and try to find the best deal. I can't even tell you the sheer number of tattoo artists I have spoken with who tell me about people that come into a tattoo shop and are "price shopping." These people want to get the most bang for their buck and they usually end up woefully disappointed when their tattoo comes out looking cheap. I personally have three pieces that were done while price shopping and they ALL have required a few hundred dollars to get them fixed by another, more experienced artist.
This isn't to say that a newbie artist can't do good work. I have one tattoo done by a newbie artist that came out very well. But by and large, what you should look for when you're shopping tattoo parlors is the work. You want to see a portfolio full of pictures of art that they have done and in the body placement you want. If you want a cheap tattoo, you're going to get a cheap tattoo. And they are permanent too! Fixing them costs hundreds of dollars, and that's assuming that all that happens is that you get a cheap looking tattoo. In the worst case scenario, you could wind up with significant scarring on your tattoo. You could wind up with an infection in your tattoo which will forever damage it. My ankle tattoo was done while price shopping and it ended up getting severely infected, to the point where I wound up in the doctors office with a major fever and required massive antibiotics to get it under control. But if you want a well done piece of body art that you will be proud of for decades to come, you need to think less about cost and more about the artists themselves.2. Getting a tattoo doesn't really hurt. At least not as bad as you think it will hurt.
Someone once told me that if tattoos really hurt, people wouldn't keep getting them. But when I was new to the process, I was TERRIFIED of the pain and everyone around me kept making it out to be this hugely horrible pain. It doesn't hurt. It's obviously not going to feel like rubbing bunny fur on your skin, but it's not this agonizing pain either. More than anything, it's annoying but it doesn't really hurt. That said, it also depends on the placement of the tattoo.
I have seven tattoos and of those seven, only two actually hurt: My lower spine and my ribs. I have been told that the knees, the elbows, and anywhere that your body bends hurts as well, but I wouldn't know anything about that personally. For me, though, I was a BEAST through my tattoos and I get compliments from my tattoo artists that I might be screaming and crying and vocalizing but I'm impossibly still and I handled it better than other people who had similar work done. The picture to the left of this text is me getting my 6th piece (my second custom job) tattooed onto my chest and ribcage. It's weird though. I looked like I'd been sliced open with a scalpel and I had to stop more than a few times so I could gather my wits, but you could breathe through the pain as long as you could focus on something else and just stare at it. It wasn't the end of the world if you had to stop for a minute to take a deep breath. There are pictures of me taking a break mid-tattoo and everyone who has seen them said I looked like I was about to stab someone. I wasn't. But it didn't feel too great. That said, my whole goal with my tattoos was to get ink in painful places. Once I had my first taste of ink, I wanted more and more until I found something that hurt. That's why I have a lower back tattoo and a rib tattoo. I likely won't ever get my elbows or knees done, but the ribs was pretty beastly. And in about 4 months, my rib tattoo will be done and I'll be able to think about getting more work in painful places... like the top of my foot.3. There are as many different after-care instructions as there are tattoo artists. And all of them are right.
This one sounds counter-intuitive, doesn't it? How to care for your new tattoo is really one of those open to interpretation things though. Some artists will tell you to leave the bandage on for 12-24 hours. Some will say take it off and let it breathe as soon as you get home. Some will tell you to use A&D ointment twice a day for a week. Others say to use a scent-free lotion every 2 hours. Some will say no submerging your new ink for a week.
Others will tell you that it's fine to bathe after 24 hours. Really, they're all right. There are no hard and fast rules for how to care for your tattoo, so what you have to do is listen to your individual artist until you find a system that works. You have to keep in mind that a tattoo IS a wound, similar to scraping your knee or getting a sunburn. Therefore you want to make sure to keep it clean and protect it for a few days at least until the scab starts to form.For me, what I do is that I start about a week before the work by putting lotion on the area where I will be getting the work done every 12 hours. Then I will leave the bandage on until I get home. I take it off and shower, making sure to wash the tattoo with Provon medicated lotion soap because it is, after all, a wound. I will get out of the shower and apply A&D right out of the shower. 12 hours later, I wash it with Provon again and apply more A&D. The next day, I start applying Eucerin Moisturizing Cream (I use the cream because of my psoriasis and how it dries out my skin severely) every 4-6 hours until a scab forms. Then I apply Eucerin as needed (when my skin feels dry - and your tattoo WILL feel like a really bad sunburn). You have to wash it at LEAST every day until it's all healed. I have psoriasis so my skin tends to go into psycho attack mode when I get tattoo work done which can damage my tattoo (and does - it's damaged at least 2 of my tattoos). Fortunately my artist has a lot of experience with psoriasis so she won't push my skin to the point where it starts violently revolting. There are (expensive) specialty goos out on the market but really all you need is a good alcohol free lotion, a tube of A&D, and some antibacterial soap. Oh and just so you know, you'll KNOW your lotion has alcohol in it the minute you try applying it to your fresh tattoo. With my rib tattoo, I was short on lotion so I borrowed some from my cube neighbor and it looked scent free so I didn't think it would hurt to borrow some. Almost as soon as my hand touched my tattoo, it felt like I had just poured napalm on my already-massively-in-pain ribcage. I literally screamed and darted off to the bathroom to wash it off.
4. There ARE things you can do that will make getting your tattoo a heck of a lot easier
Whenever people ask me if I have any advice for what to do before getting a tattoo, I always tell them the following:
* Eat a big meal about 30 minutes before going under the needle.
This makes your stomach a heck of a lot less queasy and it raises your blood sugar. The process of getting a tattoo raises your adrenaline and endorphin levels, which can DESTROY your blood sugar levels. People pass out getting tattoos all the time and it's because the tattooing process dramatically lowers your blood sugar. But if you eat a heavy meal just before, you can avoid that.* Get plenty of rest the night before. I know you're excited to get a tattoo, but try to get a full 8-10 hours the night before, otherwise your pain tolerance is going to be dramatically lowered.
* While you're eating that big meal before your tattoo appointment, take 2 ibuprofen or 2 aspirin. When you get a tattoo, the endorphin rush takes about 30 minutes to kick in so the ibuprofen is there to get you through to the rush. It also thins your blood so you bleed less while getting the tattoo. And for those of us who are pain junkies, if we're getting tattooed in an unusually painful place, it helps to take a couple of Xanax with your aspirin.
* DO NOT GET DRUNK! People think that drunk means they will feel no pain but alcohol in your bloodstream also means that you will bleed more and move around more and be generally a more difficult customer. That said, I will not lie to you and say I have been completely 100% lucid for all of my tattoos. For 6 of my seven, yes - I was 100% Lucid and present. But about halfway through my bird, I got up off the table, and took 2 shots of Vodka. I was going to walk out half done if I hadn't and my artist was like, "You might want to consider some liquid courage at this point." So we went ahead with drugging me stupid and I just didn't drive myself home. I'm going to be finishing the bird in December and have already heard the jokes about how I need a designated driver before I can schedule it.
5. DO NOT - under ANY circumstances - MOVE OR FLINCH.
See, tattooing is permanent and what you DON'T want are scribbled lines. STAY STILL. Scream, cry out, make faces, but DO NOT MOVE. In other words, do not be this lady:
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5MPJnwJrfE]
6. You WILL want more when you are done.
I have NEVER met anyone in my entire life who had a tattoo and didn't have ideas for 10 others. They're like Pringles - you can't have just one. But here's the thing I want all you rookie tattoo virgins to know - DO NOT GET SOMETHING POPULAR. What you want to get is a symbol, be that a symbol of you and your life or a symbol of the moment. Don't get something because it's pretty and all your friends have similar tattoos. Get something that has a bit of substance behind it. You WILL live to regret that tribal tattoo when it's no longer en vogue.
I have one cousin who recently got a tribal armband and when I saw it, my first thought was "I thought we were past that fad..." My second thought was that it's totally trashy and makes her look like a cheap whore or wicked party girl. My final thought was, "She's going to live to regret that tattoo." I have another cousin with pirate flags on her chest. She looks cheap and trashy too. In fact, you can tell that all of HER tattoos were done while price shopping so they all look cheap and trashy. But that aside, she got three pirate tattoos in the middle of the pirate tattoo fad. And she will live to regret them.
Now, I am totally NOT against spontaneous flash tattoos in the slightest. Don't misunderstand me. I am totally on board with commemorating a moment in time with a tattoo. My foot tattoo is going to be a "moment commemoration." It's going to commemorate the first time I went on a real vacation and spent a week in near total solitude with my favorite "little sister." Garfield commemorates a moment in time. Elmo commemorates a moment in time. The Trek tattoo commemorates a moment in time. While I can assign a deeper meaning to all of these tattoos and indeed, I am hesitant to cover them up because there IS such a deeper meaning associated with them, the plain and simple fact is that they were all flash tattoos that I got in a moment in time so I would remember that moment.
But getting a "moment" tattoo and getting a "fad" tattoo are two separate things. Fad tattoos eventually fall out of style. And when you're looking back on your skin at 50, 60, or even 80, are you going to want to say to someone asking you to tell the stories of your tattoos, "I was young and dumb when I got that... there's no meaning behind it." I look at my Elmo and I can tell you a WICKED story about a night of heavy drinking with my then-fiance (now ex-husband) and my best guy friend of all time when I was a sophomore in college and had JUST moved to Las Vegas (and indeed, all three of us got inked that night). The same goes for my other 2 flash tattoos. They were moments frozen in time for me. Some of my tattoos tell the greater story of my life... some of them are incredibly symbolic and deeply meaningful. Some of them commemorate a moment in time that I wanted to remember for the rest of my life. And that's not what I'm against. What I'm against are people who get tattoos because they're "pretty" or "fun." A tattoo is a piece of art that you will have with you for the rest of your life. Yes, it is meant to be pretty. I think that if you got an ugly tattoo, you fell victim to crime number one on this blog (price shopping). And I'll even grant you that some people get tattoos that are JUST really nice pieces of art. But I think that - at the end of the day - you want a tattoo that will hold some meaning for you 10, 15 or 40 years down the road.
I shutter to think about what all the girls my age are now saying about the tribal "tramp stamps" and the nautical stars they got. And if my cousin is any indication, tribal armbands are back now too. Either that or she's stuck in 1998 when they WERE the big rage of the day. And really, either scenario makes me laugh. I have friends with tribal armbands and they all tell me, "I was young and dumb..." Many of them are now starting to cover up or remove these horrendous tattoo fad decisions and it's really just not worth it. Just be aware of tattoo fads and don't give in. I shutter to think about all the people getting fingerstaches, inner lip tattoos, and belly button tattoos (where your belly button is some animals rectum - donkey and cats are the leaders in this area) and how do they plan qualifying their ink to future generations. There's a statistic that says that 50% of the tattoos done today will end up covered up or lasered off. Both options can cost hundreds of dollars, hours of torturous pain, and much more grief than just not getting the damn tattoo in the first place. It's not a contest. You don't need to have more ink than me and I don't need more ink than you. I have the right number of tattoos for me and when I start to feel like a part of my body is too naked, I will save up and get another tattoo. I have been planning to get a half sleeve for well over 3 years now. My arm just feels beyond naked and I want to see a nice piece of full color art there. When I could stand it no more, I called up my artist and planned a consultation. We start work on the 21st and I will likely have 3 total appointments for my arm plus the one for my bird that I made when I was in for my consult, which will get me through until the end of the year (with going in for a sitting once a month, as my tattoos always take longer to heal than normal). And that will satiate me for a few months until it's time to get my foot tattoo. After that - who knows how long it will be before I find my way back to the tattoo parlor. It's never more than a year or a year and a half before I'm doing a consult on my next piece. That's why I have so many.
Just like Pringles.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Insidious: A movie review
I'm annoyed with all of the reviews of this movie so I'm just going to write my own.
I'm a huge fan of horror as a genre. There is almost no movie out there that ruffles me under the collar anymore but the genre itself is a lot of fun for me. Naturally, I was intrigued by the previews for "Insidious" especially because it was being marketed as "the scariest movie since Poltergeist."
First of all, Poltergeist is what I call "the comfort food of horror." It's not scary in the slightest, not even when it was released in the 80's was it scary for me, and I was a small child when I first saw it. My mom maintains that it was scary for its time but the 70s brought us classic gems like "Last House on the Left," "I Spit on Your Grave," and even "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" so I'm left scoffing at the idea that "Poltergeist" was in any way shape or form scary in this respect. In addition, Poltergeist was packed with an all-star cast and a lot of emotional pull that leaves me to classify it more in the drama and camp horror genre than ACTUAL horror. But for me, when I'm feeling down about life and I need some "visual comfort food," I definitely turn on "Poltergeist" any chance I get. For me, the highlight of the movie was the possessed room of toys, namely the record player that paused in mid air as if to say "Oh hello psychic lady. I'm a possessed toy. How are you?" Everything after that is just fodder.
What drew me to "Insidious" was less that it was "the scariest movie since Poltergeist" but more that it was produced by Oren Peli - the famed writer/director of the "Paranormal Activity" series. I am hardly ever scared by horror but there are three movies that ruffled my collar in the last decade: "Paranormal Activity," "The Exorcism of Emily Rose," and "Quarantine." It should be noted here that I have also seen the Spanish version of "Quarantine" called "[rec]" and I have to say that the original was nowhere NEAR as impressive as the big budget Hollywood version starring Jennifer Carpenter, who I personally think was genetically engineered for horror as her performances in both "Quarantine" and "The Exorcism of Emily Rose" left me with goosebumps just because her scream chilled me to the bone the same way that Jamie Lee Curtis' scream chilled to the bone in the 80s. She's an impressive actor and I hate seeing her talents for the genre being wasted as Deb Morgan on "Dexter," even though that is definitely my favorite TV show. She's just being wasted.
So today I popped over to Blockbuster and rented "Insidious" having heard the rumors that this was a truly chilling movie. The first time I tried to watch it, I was having troubles seeing everything or hearing it on my small 13" bedroom TV, so that was a bust and I just fell asleep. But then I awoke around midnight and decided that I would try watching it on my 32" living room TV. Since it was midnight and I was already aware that most of this movie is a black screen, I decided to watch it in total darkness. People think I'm insane for viewing horror movies in the dark but sometimes the movie doesn't have enough light to it to be viewed with the lights ON.
The basic premise of the movie (without revealing too many spoilers) is that there's this family who lives in what they THINK is a haunted house. Then they move and realize that it's not the house that's haunted but one of their little boys that is haunted. That of course grabbed me because I am TERRIFIED by creepy children. I can't explain it but creepy children scare the FUCK out of me. I hate creepy children.
I'll post the trailer, which has been playing on TV a lot recently as Insidious is now on Directv pay-per-view so you all can see it for yourselves.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1YbOMDI59k]
The first thing to annoy me about this movie was the violins that screeched at you every time a ghost showed up in the shadows and scared someone. Violins make a beautiful noise but this was straight screeching violins. And it hurt my ears. In my opinion, the violins distracted you from what was going on and removed you from the mood because you're eardrums are now bleeding.
The key aspect of a good horror movie is what it LACKS, as opposed to what it HAS. In a good horror movie, there is a play between light and dark, onscreen and off, so that your mind fills in the blanks as to what is going on, usually with something that will scare the shit out of you. The "slasher porn" genre (of "Hostel", the "Saw" series, and so forth) was heavily criticized for showing every single aspect of the torture. You don't need that for good horror and sometimes it makes a good horror movie campy to show a man getting his leg sawed off. The LACK of scary goodies is what "Paranormal Activity" did RIGHT. Even in "Paranormal Activity 2" there was a scene where the dog gets dragged into the basement by an unforeseen demonic force and you never SEE what happens in the basement. You just hear noises and are left to make up your own mind about it. With "Insidious" the movie is shot in near total darkness so you don't get to see hardly anything. Even on my bigger and brighter TV, there was a lot of purely black screen. This COULD have worked... were it not for the screeching violins that randomly played for no apparent reason. I think that if you cut out the violins, this movie could have been a lot scarier than it was but because the screeching popped up all over the place and randomly at that, you're left disassociating with the movie and being removed from the experience because your ears are bleeding.
The next thing to annoy me was that this is a plot that seems pieced together from several different (and better) horror movies. The link to "Poltergeist" doesn't end at the cover. Within the movie, there is a plot device revolving around astral projection that seems stolen from "Poltergeist" and heavily mutilated. What "Poltergeist" did right with this plot device was to only show glimpses of what the netherworld looked like. "Insidious" gave you a solid 15 minutes in "The Further" and most of that time it was in total darkness. This COULD have worked, because the idea that there is no light in "The Further" could have been used to further propel the plot and give some depth to the dilemma, but it was very poorly done.
The whole way through the movie, I was annoyed with not seeing what I was supposed to be seeing (such as the man standing in the baby's room) or missing crucial plot devices (like the books falling on the floor) because the movie ran through at a very fast pace. The natural noises that you would expect with a creaky house horror movie (creaking stairs, slamming doors, creepy children laughing, wind and breathy voices) are overshadowed by the canned music that the SFX people thought were a great idea. When there IS some natural creepy house noise, it's at such a low level that you're straining to hear it. I didn't want to watch the movie with the captions on but I felt like I had to because I was missing the demonic voices on the baby monitor. There was static that you could hear but when you hear static... static... breathy voice you can't hear... static... two words in a growling voice... and then the mom gets freaked out and starts talking about how the demon voice said a full sentence, you get kind of frustrated. It's either watch this movie at full volume and risk the screeching violins blowing out your speakers... or miss crucial plot devices and horror movie kicks.
Despite all of it's flaws, the final scene made the movie for me. A lot of the professional movie critics felt like the movie was amazing and the ending fell flat but I feel like the whole rest of the movie was flat, and that ending was amazing. I don't want to ruin it for you but suffice it to say I walked away thinking, "OH! AMAZING!!" They don't even let you sniff at the ending until the last 30 minutes of the movie so you THINK you know where it's going within the first 30 minutes but then it busts out in the last 5 minutes and says, "SUCKA! You don't know what I'm gonna do!"
All in all, I think this movie is a big miss for the majority of the population. The ending was awesome but the horror is so hard to follow throughout the movie that it's not for the novice horror fan. You aren't able to dive into the world and feel truly scared. And for those of us who are extreme horror geeks, we're kind of sitting out in the cold with yet another movie that claims it can ruffle your collar but really can't. I don't think there's a movie that I can refer you to instead of this movie. It's really just kind of a garbage movie all around but because it mashed up too many horror elements and other, better movies, you can't really say "watch [movie] instead of Insidious." Obviously you should all watch "Poltergeist" because it is the closest parallel to this movie and try not to laugh at the early 1980's fashion (yes... we really DID wear that stuff). But if you want to really be scared by a creepy house movie, you should check out "Paranormal Activity." Want demons and possession? "Exorcism of Emily Rose" and "The Rite." And if you want some creepy children, you should check out "The Unborn".
I don't feel like I lost 2 hours of my life that I want back but I really can't recommend this movie to anyone I know. It's not scary unless you hate violins or are scared by the dragon faces in a Chinese New Year parade. Yeah... that was another thing that annoyed me... when you SHOW the demon... make sure he's SCARY and not something you can see on the PG rated "Sorcerer's Apprentice." I saw his face, paused the DVD, cocked my head to the side, and went, "Did they pick up that costume in Chinatown? This movie is WHOA low budget." (Note: You can see the demon in the above trailer at 1:25)
They should have spent more money on the demon costume and less on the freaking violins. Might have made a better movie.
P.S. Paranormal Activity 3 comes out October 21, 2011. WHO'S WITH ME!!
I'm a huge fan of horror as a genre. There is almost no movie out there that ruffles me under the collar anymore but the genre itself is a lot of fun for me. Naturally, I was intrigued by the previews for "Insidious" especially because it was being marketed as "the scariest movie since Poltergeist."
First of all, Poltergeist is what I call "the comfort food of horror." It's not scary in the slightest, not even when it was released in the 80's was it scary for me, and I was a small child when I first saw it. My mom maintains that it was scary for its time but the 70s brought us classic gems like "Last House on the Left," "I Spit on Your Grave," and even "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" so I'm left scoffing at the idea that "Poltergeist" was in any way shape or form scary in this respect. In addition, Poltergeist was packed with an all-star cast and a lot of emotional pull that leaves me to classify it more in the drama and camp horror genre than ACTUAL horror. But for me, when I'm feeling down about life and I need some "visual comfort food," I definitely turn on "Poltergeist" any chance I get. For me, the highlight of the movie was the possessed room of toys, namely the record player that paused in mid air as if to say "Oh hello psychic lady. I'm a possessed toy. How are you?" Everything after that is just fodder.
What drew me to "Insidious" was less that it was "the scariest movie since Poltergeist" but more that it was produced by Oren Peli - the famed writer/director of the "Paranormal Activity" series. I am hardly ever scared by horror but there are three movies that ruffled my collar in the last decade: "Paranormal Activity," "The Exorcism of Emily Rose," and "Quarantine." It should be noted here that I have also seen the Spanish version of "Quarantine" called "[rec]" and I have to say that the original was nowhere NEAR as impressive as the big budget Hollywood version starring Jennifer Carpenter, who I personally think was genetically engineered for horror as her performances in both "Quarantine" and "The Exorcism of Emily Rose" left me with goosebumps just because her scream chilled me to the bone the same way that Jamie Lee Curtis' scream chilled to the bone in the 80s. She's an impressive actor and I hate seeing her talents for the genre being wasted as Deb Morgan on "Dexter," even though that is definitely my favorite TV show. She's just being wasted.
So today I popped over to Blockbuster and rented "Insidious" having heard the rumors that this was a truly chilling movie. The first time I tried to watch it, I was having troubles seeing everything or hearing it on my small 13" bedroom TV, so that was a bust and I just fell asleep. But then I awoke around midnight and decided that I would try watching it on my 32" living room TV. Since it was midnight and I was already aware that most of this movie is a black screen, I decided to watch it in total darkness. People think I'm insane for viewing horror movies in the dark but sometimes the movie doesn't have enough light to it to be viewed with the lights ON.
The basic premise of the movie (without revealing too many spoilers) is that there's this family who lives in what they THINK is a haunted house. Then they move and realize that it's not the house that's haunted but one of their little boys that is haunted. That of course grabbed me because I am TERRIFIED by creepy children. I can't explain it but creepy children scare the FUCK out of me. I hate creepy children.
I'll post the trailer, which has been playing on TV a lot recently as Insidious is now on Directv pay-per-view so you all can see it for yourselves.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1YbOMDI59k]
The first thing to annoy me about this movie was the violins that screeched at you every time a ghost showed up in the shadows and scared someone. Violins make a beautiful noise but this was straight screeching violins. And it hurt my ears. In my opinion, the violins distracted you from what was going on and removed you from the mood because you're eardrums are now bleeding.
The key aspect of a good horror movie is what it LACKS, as opposed to what it HAS. In a good horror movie, there is a play between light and dark, onscreen and off, so that your mind fills in the blanks as to what is going on, usually with something that will scare the shit out of you. The "slasher porn" genre (of "Hostel", the "Saw" series, and so forth) was heavily criticized for showing every single aspect of the torture. You don't need that for good horror and sometimes it makes a good horror movie campy to show a man getting his leg sawed off. The LACK of scary goodies is what "Paranormal Activity" did RIGHT. Even in "Paranormal Activity 2" there was a scene where the dog gets dragged into the basement by an unforeseen demonic force and you never SEE what happens in the basement. You just hear noises and are left to make up your own mind about it. With "Insidious" the movie is shot in near total darkness so you don't get to see hardly anything. Even on my bigger and brighter TV, there was a lot of purely black screen. This COULD have worked... were it not for the screeching violins that randomly played for no apparent reason. I think that if you cut out the violins, this movie could have been a lot scarier than it was but because the screeching popped up all over the place and randomly at that, you're left disassociating with the movie and being removed from the experience because your ears are bleeding.
The next thing to annoy me was that this is a plot that seems pieced together from several different (and better) horror movies. The link to "Poltergeist" doesn't end at the cover. Within the movie, there is a plot device revolving around astral projection that seems stolen from "Poltergeist" and heavily mutilated. What "Poltergeist" did right with this plot device was to only show glimpses of what the netherworld looked like. "Insidious" gave you a solid 15 minutes in "The Further" and most of that time it was in total darkness. This COULD have worked, because the idea that there is no light in "The Further" could have been used to further propel the plot and give some depth to the dilemma, but it was very poorly done.
The whole way through the movie, I was annoyed with not seeing what I was supposed to be seeing (such as the man standing in the baby's room) or missing crucial plot devices (like the books falling on the floor) because the movie ran through at a very fast pace. The natural noises that you would expect with a creaky house horror movie (creaking stairs, slamming doors, creepy children laughing, wind and breathy voices) are overshadowed by the canned music that the SFX people thought were a great idea. When there IS some natural creepy house noise, it's at such a low level that you're straining to hear it. I didn't want to watch the movie with the captions on but I felt like I had to because I was missing the demonic voices on the baby monitor. There was static that you could hear but when you hear static... static... breathy voice you can't hear... static... two words in a growling voice... and then the mom gets freaked out and starts talking about how the demon voice said a full sentence, you get kind of frustrated. It's either watch this movie at full volume and risk the screeching violins blowing out your speakers... or miss crucial plot devices and horror movie kicks.
Despite all of it's flaws, the final scene made the movie for me. A lot of the professional movie critics felt like the movie was amazing and the ending fell flat but I feel like the whole rest of the movie was flat, and that ending was amazing. I don't want to ruin it for you but suffice it to say I walked away thinking, "OH! AMAZING!!" They don't even let you sniff at the ending until the last 30 minutes of the movie so you THINK you know where it's going within the first 30 minutes but then it busts out in the last 5 minutes and says, "SUCKA! You don't know what I'm gonna do!"
All in all, I think this movie is a big miss for the majority of the population. The ending was awesome but the horror is so hard to follow throughout the movie that it's not for the novice horror fan. You aren't able to dive into the world and feel truly scared. And for those of us who are extreme horror geeks, we're kind of sitting out in the cold with yet another movie that claims it can ruffle your collar but really can't. I don't think there's a movie that I can refer you to instead of this movie. It's really just kind of a garbage movie all around but because it mashed up too many horror elements and other, better movies, you can't really say "watch [movie] instead of Insidious." Obviously you should all watch "Poltergeist" because it is the closest parallel to this movie and try not to laugh at the early 1980's fashion (yes... we really DID wear that stuff). But if you want to really be scared by a creepy house movie, you should check out "Paranormal Activity." Want demons and possession? "Exorcism of Emily Rose" and "The Rite." And if you want some creepy children, you should check out "The Unborn".
I don't feel like I lost 2 hours of my life that I want back but I really can't recommend this movie to anyone I know. It's not scary unless you hate violins or are scared by the dragon faces in a Chinese New Year parade. Yeah... that was another thing that annoyed me... when you SHOW the demon... make sure he's SCARY and not something you can see on the PG rated "Sorcerer's Apprentice." I saw his face, paused the DVD, cocked my head to the side, and went, "Did they pick up that costume in Chinatown? This movie is WHOA low budget." (Note: You can see the demon in the above trailer at 1:25)
They should have spent more money on the demon costume and less on the freaking violins. Might have made a better movie.
P.S. Paranormal Activity 3 comes out October 21, 2011. WHO'S WITH ME!!
Monday, April 18, 2011
Pesach D'Var Torah
Mi kamocha ba’elim Adonai. Mi kamocha, nedar bakodesh, nora tehilot, osei feleh?
The children of Israel, we are told in Exodus chapter 15, broke out into song in praise of Hashem’s mighty power, singing Mi Kamocha as the Red Sea devoured Pharaoh’s army as they walked from exile and slavery in Egypt on towards deliverance in the promised land. Though this song is sung in a lively manner at some synagogues, for me, it always seems to move me most when it is sung solemnly. While we are joyous that our Gd is always with us, it is in the awe of Hashem’s power that Mi Kamocha resonates so deeply for those of us sitting here today. One year ago, who among us knew that we would all be sharing this festival meal? That we would be sharing stories of friendship and redemption and about the blessings in our lives? One year ago, we were all in very different places but it comforts me to see that – however small – some of that redemption promised to the children of Israel has come our way. Here we are, gathered as a family, on this most joyous of holidays, sharing a meal and inspiring words to remind each other of what our spiritual ancestors were singing the day that the Red Sea fell on Pharaoh’s army: Who is like you, Adonai? Who is like you, glorious in holiness, awesome in praises, doing miracles?
As I prayed for some kind of inspiration for this seder’s D’var Torah, I was suddenly struck with the solemn lyrics to a Sephardim version of Mi Kamocha that would not leave my head.I wandered around for days humming the song quietly to myself until I remembered that this is the song of ultimate redemption.We sing these songs at shul and most times it does not occur to me to really extol the deeper meaning of these melodies.
But Mi Kamocha is the ultimate Passover song.Not Dayenu or the Four Questions or any of the other songs that we will sing tonight.This was the song that our spiritual ancestors sang in praise of Hashem’s mighty power to free them from bondage on the very first Passover.I am struck by the way this story applies to our daily lives now.Exiled from Israel and without a Temple to call our own, bogged down with life’s trials and tribulations, witnessing the devastating effects of war and natural disasters, we pray for redemption.It is hard to keep faith when going through such struggle but we did and we prayed HARD to be redeemed.Then one day, Gd showed up to unshackle us.And so we sit here this year, together as a family to celebrate the redemption of our spiritual ancestors.Yet it is poignant because we ourselves have been redeemed.We have seen Hashem’s mighty works and we have seen miracles.Rabbi Bramly once told me that it is said that the children of Israel walked through the Red Sea looking UP at the miracle happening all around them, not looking down at the mud and garbage they were walking through to get to freedom and redemption.Every time I feel like I am being bogged down with the weight of the world, I remember these words, that event, and the song Mi Kamocha.As we all trudged through the monotony of every day life, witnessing catastrophes like the earthquakes in Japan, and walk through trials that we endure living in the Diaspora, I am reminded to look UP at the miracles that still happen every day and I quietly remark to myself… Who is like you, Adonai, glorious in holiness and doing miracles.
We say at the end of the Seder, “Speedily lead your redeemed people to Zion. Next year in Jerusalem!” This year I will raise my glass even higher in hopes that next year we will all see true redemption of our people. We have seen the wonders of Hashem’s works in our individual lives. We know Hashem to be awesome and true. We have seen the miracle of the Red Sea parting to lead us home to the Promised Land. And we will get there. All of us will get there. Just keep looking up at the miracles and remember – Hear O Israel. Adonai is our Lord. Adonai is one.
Chag Sameach everyone.
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