Things We Gave Up For Our Pets

Someone tried to sell me on this idea that I needed a cover for my couch to keep it hair free. I immediately responded with, "I have a golden. My dog sheds a micro dog every day. It's a losing battle." As we talked more, I realized that there are just a lot of things happening in our house that we completely gave up on.

#1 - Dogs drinking from the toilet.

My husband lost his shit the first time Guinan started drinking from the toilet, claiming it was horribly disgusting water and she could die if she drank it. I argued that it was very fresh water ("I flush after I poo! Don't you?!") and to let it go but he tried his damnedest to get her to drink ONLY from her bowl or other such approved faucets. She was having none of that and went to the toilet. Time after time after time, she was all up on that damn toilet, drinking like it was fucking Perrier water. After 3 days, he gave up. I soothed his frustrated nerves and explained that this is one of the things big dogs do and wait until number two...

#2 - Small dogs like cat boxes.

Yeah, I have caught my midget, Tuvok, not only chowing down on cat kibble (WHICH IS ON THE COUNTER, I MIGHT ADD) but he's also discovered the treat box where the cats shit. I yell at him and chase him out of the box when I catch it because eating cat turds is not healthy. But by and large, this is another battle we are losing. When you have cats and dogs living together (MASS HYSTERIA), you kind of get over this idea that each is their own pristine self who ONLY uses approved animal-specific products and ONLY eats approved animal-specific things.

#3 - Let's talk hair.

I'm not even talking the Golden or the Ragdoll, though Gd knows both of those assholes shed whole animals every other day in the summer. But when you have long haired pets, you know to expect a shit ton of shedding. Let's talk about the short haired little shit who covers all of your things in his hair. Let's talk about the rolling balls of pet fur that blow across the house from time to time only to glue themselves on my husband's suit JUST IN TIME for him to be too late to school to get all the fucking fur off.

That shit happens.

#4 - Counter Surfing

I told Sandman when we got Guinan to expect a certain amount of foraging (hence the closed lid trash cans) and potentially some counter surfing. I described to him what this is (it's when a dog gets up on the counter and surfs food off of plates that YOU THOUGHT were just out of reach). He scoffed and said "she won't."

She did. She took a whole chicken off the counter. And it made her sick too. At what point do you beat the shit out of a dog who just surfed a whole roasted chicken? You don't. You can't take it away either because the same mouth who just surfed it off the counter is the same mouth eating cat shit and drinking from a toilet. Are you gonna wash it?

That was Sandman's bright idea. Wash the chicken. IT'S STILL GOOD! IT'S STILL GOOD! IT'S JUST A LITTLE SLOBBERED ON!!

And it tasted like wet dog.

See, I have owned many large breed dogs in my life so I knew this was coming and refused the wet dog chicken. But this is Sandman's first so he had to try it. After that, the second time she surfed the counter, we yelled at her for being in the kitchen (they're not allowed in the first place), took the chicken breast, and chopped it up to use as dog treats.

She also likes broccoli too. They fight over broccoli. I pray my kids are as awesome as my dogs because I fucking hate broccoli.

#5 - Dry furniture

My golden had her first bath the other day. Almost as soon as she got out of the tub, she raced across the house, jumped on the couch and proceeded to roll all over it.

The towel I had been trying to use to dry her off was so soaked that you could squeeze water out of it.

We gave up on that one. WHO DOESN'T LOVE SITTING ON A WET COUCH! OH AND NOW YOU'RE SHAKING ON ME! THIS IS AMAZING.

At least it wasn't the bed...

#6 - Bed space

We don't let the Golden in bed. I have a queen and no fucking way in hell am I trying to fit a 70 pound Golden, a 10 pound chihuahua (who THINKS he's a 70 pound Golden), a 19 pound cat, a husband and me all in this small ass bed.

But in the meantime, I still have a 10 pound chihuahua (who thinks he's a 70 pound Golden), a 19 pound cat, a husband, and me all sleeping in this queen sized bed. And the midget dog thinks he belongs RIGHT IN THE FUCKING MIDDLE.

But every night, one of the two of us wakes up, wanting cuddles, and this midget chihuahua is planted firmly between us. Sometimes he growls when you try to move him too. He's all "BACK UP BITCH." And You're like "Dog, I could punt you. GTFO." So you throw him off the bed and almost as if he was operating on springs, he's right back in bed. HOPEFULLY we're lucky enough to have initiated the cuddle before the spring back... but you know..

We just give up.