Your Dating Resume

(inspired by a post in my forums group)

Men. Listen up. If you're looking to be on the dating market and are looking for something serious and long term, we need to have a chat.

If you're looking to get laid, ignore all of the following advice and just become an alcoholic. Girls like to sleep with men who party hard, apparently.

But if you're looking to settle down, there are a few things we need to clear up.

#1 - Your Living Situation

If you live with your mom (or dad or parents or uncle or really any relative who would be in a position to care for you), unless she's dying of some tragic illness and you're her primary caregiver, or you're fresh out of college, don't date. Just don't fucking bother. Nobody wants to date someone who is going to move out of moms and move into your place with no pit stop in independence land. That shit is ridiculous.

If you have roommates, you BETTER be fresh out of college or still IN college. You having a roommate when your'e 30 shows piss poor money management you wanted A BIG HOUSE when you couldn't afford it career wise. It shows you're not comfortable living at or below your means.

Points are subtracted if your roommate is a girl. All females know that the female roommate is the fake girlfriend who will SLIT YOUR THROAT in the middle of the night. The boy who tries dating and has a female roommate EVEN IF SAID FEMALE IS IN A RELATIONSHIP is doomed unless he kicks her out early on, there's no competing with that bullshit. The roommate will always win. AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW PSYCHO SHE WILL GET WHEN YOU START BEING INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

If you live alone in a modest apartment, this is good as this shows that you have independence and a degree of economic stability. If you live alone in a BIG apartment, this is also good as it shows you can afford a nice thing. If you live alone in a modest house with up to four bedrooms, this is better as it shows not ONLY that you are comfortable living at or below your means, and that you are economically stable, but that you are planning on filling those rooms with people, i.e. kids. If you live alone in this fucking MANSION, I feel points should be removed because something is wrong with you for having THAT MUCH SPACE and it's just you. Don't go overboard now.

#2 - Pets

For the love of everything that is holy do NOT be an animal hater. People who hate animals secretly hate children and no woman with marriage on the mind wants to date a man who hates animals. It shows a serious lack of compassion. If you really DO hate pets, go back to the alcoholic thing because you are going to die alone. Unless you will fall over dead from allergies, get a pet. Do this before you date a woman. It adds bonus points to your resume if this is a rescued pet and not a store bought one because then you look all compassionate and shit with your rescued pet's tragic life story and she thinks "THIS MAN HAS A HEART" so if you're a soulless bastard, you'll still get some with a rescue pet that is well cared for. Many women prefer fuzzy pets (cats, dogs, ferrets, guinea pigs, etc) but I think we can all get behind a man with a well cared for Iguana. DO take very good care of your animals. Don't have a husky you never fucking walk or groom and then whine about behavioral problems in your pet. Having a well cared for pet shows that you are interested in and capable of taking care of other people/things, i.e. kids. But you don't want to be weird about it. Don't have 15 cats unless you run a cat shelter on the side. That's an animal hoarder and you should stop dating. Likewise, not all women can appreciate lizards (but we'll bone the man with a 15' Burmese Python) so consider adopting a furry animal before resorting to a lizard.

#3 - Your mode of transportation<

Unless you live in a hippie city like Portland or Seattle or you're under the age of 21, you riding the bus is a bunch of bullshit. There better be a DAMN good reason why you don't have a car and it better not be something like "I had too many DUI's". That's not at all appealing. I'm not your chauffeur.

That said, let's talk about some of the bullshit vehicles you ass-hats ride in and why they hurt your dating resume.

a) 2 door luxury sedan - YOU see that and think "wow, a fun car." A woman who is marriage minded sees that and wonders how you plan to get kids in the backseat. She also questions your car payment and wonders if you even HAVE a savings. Really 2 door anythings are bad ju-ju for the man who wishes to spread his seed. Having a
luxury anything really only attracts golddiggers. You don't want to ADVERTISE your wealth boys. It gets the WRONG attention.
b) A truck - This is a very good option and it's a GREAT option when you have an extended cab. The woman thinks you are handy and someone who is good to have around in case of zombies. I have yet to meet a woman who saw a truck as a poor vehicle choice for a single man.
c) An SUV - Women seem to be split on this. Some think they're fantastic, others that they're deplorable. I personally think an SUV goes far on your dating resume because it has an element of fun (in the offroading) and safety (given that most SUVs are meant for moms with kids anyway). If you're trying to land someone who is green on the environment, this will bode poorly for you. But if you're trying to bag a country girl, this will bode well. And golddiggers like it too because they're not cheap. Not that you want a golddigger.
d) a midsized four door sedan - This is your ideal car. You want THIS CAR. You want a car with safety features and four doors. It should be in good working order, with good fuel economy, but the color isn't of importance, nor are the toys really. This car shows that you are comfortable living at or below your means, it shows that you are planning ahead, and that you are unashamed of your station in life. It shows humility because it's not the flashiest of vehicles but it's also not going to cost a small fortune to repair.

#4 - Your job

Your job says a lot about you, believe it or not. Very few women get geeked at the sight of an ATM receipt (and you don't want her anyway) but if you want to find a woman to be with long term, you need to have a fucking job. I don't give a fuck what anyone else says, if YOU asked her out, YOU pay. None of this going dutch shit.

Did you go to college? If so, where and what for? Are you working in that field now? If you're not, why not? Believe it or not, these things say a lot about you. Picking up a degree at ITT Tech is about the lamest excuse I have heard in all my years dating. It shows you have no damn common sense to go to a REAL college and get a REAL degree. But if you walked out of ITT Tech into a job that pays $80-100k a year (which, by the way, almost never happens), you might have a leg to stand on. I still argue that you're a dumbass who couldn't hack it at a real school, but I'll keep my mouth shut and wait for you to be a dumbass somewhere else in life before I tell you you fail at life.

If you work for your dad or your uncle or your brother or some other relative, I lose respect for you for being unable to make it in the "real world." This is similar to living at home with mom. You couldn't hack it in the real world so you went to work for a relative who will pay you to be a dumbass.

If you're working a shit job, but climbing the ladder, I have immense respect for you. Be that at McDonalds or some corporate job. Obviously doctors and lawyers get a lot of respect, though I'm struggling to figure out why given the cost of law and medical school and how all their money in those first 10 years goes to pay that shit off.

You should never consider dating while you are unemployed. EVER.

#5 - Your past relationships

This is a variable you can't always control but it does NOT look good on your dating resume when your longest relationship was 6 months and you're in your 30s. That shows impatience, demanding, the inability to stick it out, and the lack of desire for a serious long term relationship. You should have at LEAST had ONE relationship make it to an anniversary by the time you're 30.

There are some who feel that a divorce is a BENEFIT to your dating resume and I am inclined to agree. Unless the reason for the divorce was "I was man whoring around town," that you had the fortitude to BE married, give it an honest shot, and go through a divorce shows mad emotional maturity. It is ESPECIALLY beneficial to your dating resume if you answer the "why did you divorce" question with something like, "We were very young when we married and just grew apart. We're still friends though." I find that VERY appealing. It shows that he's not the type to hold a grudge and is willing to accept his own responsibility in the divorce. When his response is "She's a cheating whore," or some other such way to lay sole blame on his ex-wife, he's not moved on from the divorce and it's a HUGE red flag.

This leads to the kids question...

#6 - Your kids, her kids

Now me personally, I generally don't date men with kids. It's not my style. Not to say there aren't exceptions but this is a general preference for me. I have never been through pregnancy and childbirth and I want that moment special for me and my husband. However, with the idea of artificial insemination on the table, that goes to wonder would a man date ME if I had a kid. Here's my stance: <

My opinion of you as a father is based SOLELY on your ability to communicate with your baby's mom. If you two are on good terms and co-parent effectively, you've won me over. If she's a heinous psycho bitch, it makes me wonder what the fuck you're doing to fuck up her whole world like that. I'm LESS inclined to believe she's just a heinous psycho bitch to BE a heinous psycho bitch as I am to believe you're not a good father at all and she's chasing you all over the state to try making you parent your spawn. If we're teenagers, I get that she might indeed be suffering a mood disorder. But c'mon now. We're 30 year olds. Parent your fucking kid. Work with the baby mama to be a good parent.

And not a good father to the kid you HAVE means you won't be a good father to any kids WE have. I don't want any part of that. I also don't want to meet your kids on our second date. That's just not fair to anyone involved, especially not the kids. And I feel that ANYONE (male or female) who brings a new boyfriend around their kids early into a relationship is setting that kid up for failure.

I'll add more as I think of them.