So I’m watching Dr Phil today and it’s this woman who live streams her life on Twitter and YouTube (@TruthfullyTrisha if you’re curious). So I’m watching this woman, and her hater, and I’m just... well I’m to a point in my life where I’m done live streaming my life. I don’t know what’s come over me (actually I do but I’m not ready to share it yet, so don’t ask) but whatever it is can’t be bad if I want to spend more time face to face with those I love, and less time live streaming what I ate for dinner. I’m just done. I’m keeping the blog as a warehouse of my memories and I’ll be on FB and IG a lot. But... quieter. If you really begin to miss me, text or call me! (If you have my number; you can also email me! DangerouslyHonestBlog(at)gmail.com) A lot of things are happening. Life is chaos and upheaval. Good things are coming. But I want to keep some things very private right now, close to the vest. So I shall say goodnight to all who read my blog. I’ll see you all on the flip side.
Without going into much detail on my changing life, Sandman and I are becoming Orthodox Jews, which requires a ton of studying and will culminate in me receiving an RCA approved conversion within the next calendar year. Between all of my studying, my daily yoga practice, my chores around the house, keeping up with doctor's appointments, keeping my existing relationships in tact, and writing professionally, I no longer have the time in my schedule to keep up on this blog.
I want to take this moment to apologize to all of my readers. Though I bill myself as DangerouslyHonest, there have been some really bold lies that I have written down over the years*. Many of them have been addressed in previous entries, but I'm sure Laura and Erin could dig up something else that I have not been totally honest about (and I welcome the attack because I need to be honest FIRST with myself before I can be honest with anyone else). So I will take the preemptive approach and apologize now for not being 100% candid, and for telling falsehoods. This blog has opened up a world for me, and I have truly grown as a person by trying so hard to be brutally honest. However, I cannot, in good faith, continue on as DangerouslyHonest while I am still not telling the full truth, or keeping things this close to the vest and private. It's just not fair to anyone.
As such, while I am not going to close this blog and I may show up here randomly from time to time, my energies in the coming year are going to be totally focused on completing my Orthodox conversion, my health, and my IRL relationships. I just do not have the energy or time to write out long diatribes anymore, and I frankly don't even know how to be 100% candid when I am trying to keep things private in an ever-changing, always chaotic life.
I have often wondered what would happen if I were to be put in the same room as Laura and Erin, and yesterday's episode of Dr Phil really hit me in the chest, especially when she was confronted by her hater. "Truthfully Trisha" spends her whole life online (claiming to have live streamed for 8 hours one time), and blames Bipolar Disorder for her histrionics. As someone who lives with severe Bipolar Disorder, I just cannot abide anymore. I had become Truthfully Trisha. That cannot stand.
I have done some truly AWFUL things in the name of "being honest." No longer can I sit by and allow myself to be a toxic person who does awful things while claiming that it's being candid. There is candid, and there is being a bitch. I have unfortunately been a huge bitch to people. I have posted people's secrets, I have spoken negatively about people, I have started rumors, and I have been a trash human being to people. This does not at all line up with the kind of person I need to be to re-convert.
I'm not totally abandoning the blog, and I will likely keep the domain name. I will still be here from time to time to write down the good things that I want to remember. But no more secret identities used to trash people. No more histrionics. No more "exaggeration and story telling." No more disclaimer. No more hiding behind a screen. I've fucked up and I need to right this mistake.
I want to take this moment to apologize to the people I have hurt using this blog*. There are a LOT of you*, and I want you to know that I will forever be regretful that I violated your privacy for this stupid blog* that doesn't even make me any money (nor has it ever led to offers other than paid ad space, which goes against everything I stand for here). This blog has been a colossal waste of time in that respect. I have burned so many bridges as a result of my need to be a ruthless bitch. I haven't fostered any kind of community, very few lives are changed as a result of what I write here, and I am a nobody on the internet.
Now, some of the relationships deserved to be lit on fire*. Michelle, Erin, Laura, and The Dongers, just to name a few were all lit on fire with very few regrets from me.
Has my life been better without them? Absolutely.
BUT!!
Do I have regrets about the way I handled each of those relationships?
Absolutely.
I have even more regrets and relationships that I wish could be repaired as well, the relationships I lit on fire for no reason. I think I'm long past that point though so I will just carry that guilt with me as I progress forward. Frankly, I just feel that trying to repair those relationships would only result in more toxicity for the person I wish was still a part of my life. I want what's best for those people. Why would I want to inject my own chaos, disorganization, and toxicity into their otherwise peaceful lives? So I am aloof.
I still care about all* of the people whose relationships were lit on fire. I still love them* and I honestly DO wish the best for all of them (except Robert and Jeremiah, who can both die in a fire for all I care. Rapists do not deserve happiness*). But let's face reality here: I am a person who spends her life operating at a percentage of psychosis and I'm on the internet A LOT. One large consequence of that is that I get into states of mind where I believe firmly that I am being persecuted, and I tend to light shit on fire while I'm not in the right frame of mind (my relationships with Leeann and Jody are very indicative of this phenomenon). It's not entirely something I can control and when it happens, I make sure to own it and apologize (most of the time). But sometimes I can't. Sometimes I just know that your life is better off without me. So I stay aloof.
I have spent the better part of my life being told that I am a liar, first by my mother and later by people I regretfully let into my inner world that didn't deserve to be there. When I shed Rebelprofiler in favor of DangerouslyHonest in 2009 and made the commitment to being "totally honest," I thought I could just wash all that hatred and anger away and start fresh. But it's taken a shit ton of effort on my part to STOP being a pathological liar, like I have been told that I am. I am not infallible. I still stumble and fuck up. I still make shit up as I go along. I let people make assumptions and I didn't stress the truth.
That's where the re-conversion comes in.
See, when I first came to Judaism, I came to the Conservative movement (because they were the first to reply to my email). I then left conversion classes and fell in with a Chabad center but managed to always dodge the Jewish geography question, so I was a non-Jew living among Jews, legally a Noachide. Then I moved to Arizona. I started attending Temple Beth Shalom and I was an active member with no legal status but again, I was able to dodge the Jewish geography question. When Jeremiah wanted to get engaged, I ended up in my Rabbi's office, explaining that I *meant* to convert but hadn't yet done it. Once I was in the classes, someone assumed I had been sold a non-legit Orthodox conversion, so I ran with it. I was shuffled through a one-on-one conversion program that culminated in my Conservative Beit Din in June 2009.
I lived this lie. For a LONG time. Up until a few weeks ago, actually.
It's not true. I never had an Orthodox conversion.
I know the Orthodox rules because I was a good little Noachide living among Orthodox Jews. I have come to a place NOW where I realize that the lie isn't worth continuing, so I put a stop to that shit and got with an Orthodox Rabbi willing to convert the shit out of me (probably because he is hoping to turn my born-Jewish hubby into a Ba'al Teshuvah, which he might get in the end, though not in the way he thinks). One big thing about this conversion is that lying to the Beit Din (Rabbinical court) is a HUGE no-no. So now I have to lay myself bare at the feet of an RCA approved Beit Din and my sponsoring Rabbi, which is uncomfortable and at times, downright painful. But it is teaching me to value what's important and throw away the rest.
Look, I have a very limited amount of time on this earth. I don't want to spend my golden years laying in bed awake at night, thinking of every social misstep I made in 7th grade (and to the girl who I told "My brother is hotter than your boyfriend," in 7th grade biology, I am so sorry. You're absolutely right. It was downright mean.). I'm tired of being worried about every single interaction I have on the daily. It's enough to give a person social anxiety and agoraphobia!! LOL So it's time for me to put the blog down and work on fostering relationships with the people I love. If you've been wronged by me here or elsewhere in life, please contact me, either by anonymous comment (non-constructive replies will, as usual, be ignored), by email (DangerouslyHonestBlog(at)gmail.com), or phone if you have my number. Let me know how I have hurt you and what I can do to rectify it. I don't hold hope for most of the bridges I burned through this blog, but you never know.
Meanwhile, I will see you all on the flip side. If anything comes up worth noting, I'll be back. If you would rather not check on this blog 400 million times a day, feel free to "like" my FACEBOOK PAGE, because I always post there when I post here.
With all of my Love,
Katlin
* All of this applies to everyone who has ever come in contact with my blog... Except Robert and Jeremiah. One thing I never once lied about was being raped and beaten up by these two men. I'm not crazy, I didn't make it up, and I was indeed sexually assaulted several times in my life. You have no reason to believe me. But I am telling the truth.
