I originally wanted to make this an amendment to the House of Faith blog I wrote several weeks ago but then I decided I had too much to share to confine it to just a few sentences.
These past few weeks have been some of the most difficult weeks of my whole damn life. I don't want to minimize the effect that Rabbi Bramly's untimely departure had on the Jewish community as a whole but shortly after my blog hit the airwaves, I found myself all alone in my one bedroom apartment without a shoulder to lean on. In the last 5 weeks, my world has been turned upside down. My instinctive reaction to stress like this... to being abandoned and having no place to turn... is to run away. As fast and far as my feet will carry me. It's been no secret that I've spent a good percentage of my life on the run, trying to outrun the shadows gaining on me and to "reinvent" myself every time I'm fractured to the core. I freely admitted to people that I was moving to Charlotte to get away from all that was bad here. To get away from the memories of spending lazy Sunday afternoons at The Jerusalem Pita Grill... from the monthly mikveh nights... from the ark and the scrolls that housed so much of my inner pain... from the synagogue that grew cold to me.
I sat in therapy a few weeks ago and outlined to my therapist just how I planned to run away from all the bullshit here. I was running away from Jeremiah, from Temple Beth Sholom, from all the pain and sorrow and anguish this damn state has inflicted upon me since day one. In short, I was putting on my running sneakers again.
My therapist looked at me with one raised eyebrow and said, "Well be prepared for a wrench to be thrown into those plans of yours." What wrench could POSSIBLY stop me from taking the next flight out of this G-dforsaken place and onto a new life?
Let me be the first to say that when I started out this past weekend, I never IMAGINED the two wrenches that fell right into my plans would appear. I may be having a hard time putting the $5k aside for this venture, but that was a problem I knew would be happening.
What I did not anticipate was that I would find myself standing in front of a Holiday Inn at 9:30pm on a Monday night, grabbing onto the brick walls as if they could offer me stability when the floor was just yanked out from underneath me, sobbing my heart out, knowing that nothing could have prepared me for what just happened.
I have received numerous emails from Rabbi's wife, detailing his current struggle to exonerate himself, clear his good name, and get back to living his life. I've kept abreast of all the news sources and written several half blogs full of anger and venom. I also received one very long and very personal letter from Rabbi Bramly that now hides in the depths of my inbox where no one can see it but me because I needed that letter. I needed what he said. I thought I'd never see him again so that was my last little bit of connection to him that I had. And I guard it FIERCELY.
The Dude has been shut out in these last two weeks because he works in the media and I will NOT have the media getting their hands on my Rebbe. I asked my therapist if this was normal and she told me that it was perfectly okay for me to keep Rabbi Bramly in one box and the Dude in another box so that never the twain shall meet. She didn't find my need to protect him or defend him in any way unhealthy given that he was such a huge part of my life for such a long time.
But tonight, Rabbi Bramly, his family, and his lawyer held a kind of town hall meeting where we finally got to hear his side. I'm still very protective of the meeting and what was said so there's no need to go into details. I'm still very protective of Rabbi Bramly and his family so I choose not to use my blog as a vehicle to express the hurt I feel at the community as a whole.
A large part of me didn't want to go tonight. I didn't want to deal with the people at the synagogue who left me out to dry, I didn't want to deal with the faces I knew who once slandered Rebbe's name and would now act like they never had a doubt of his innocence, and I didn't want to deal with the drama. My therapist urged me to go. Knowing I was having issues with transference, and that I spent a solid hour sobbing my wee little heart out about how this whole situation has left me in ruins, she still told me to go. The Dude told me to go. My friends all told me to go. My mom told me to go.
People kept saying things like "healing" and "closure" as if being in the same room with him would somehow make all the loneliness and abandonment I'd felt in these last 5 weeks would suddenly vanish into thin air by watching him take to a pulpit again. I knew they were all wrong. The only thing that would make me feel better was a little one-on-one face time, to know I mattered to him as much as he mattered to me, to hear him say "I will never leave you." There was no "closure" to be had, just as there is no "closure" to be had with Jeremiah. My therapist told me to go just so I knew he was okay. I was battered, beaten down, and a hollow shell of my former self. I was sick to my stomach with all the stress and drama I knew would be coming. I didn't want to face THEM. It wasn't about HIM. It was always about THEM. And up until 6:45pm, when I pulled into the parking lot, I didn't know if I would have the strength TO go and face all the bullshit for just one more look at my beloved Rabbi.
But I did.
I gave myself a wide breathing room when I got there. I knew where the drama was and I knew that in order to avoid it I was going to have to do some fancy footwork. I hyperventilated in the parking lot but I kept telling myself - I'm here for him, not for them. And when I got there, after carefully navigating some drama, I saw my Rabbi, freshly shaven and looking like he'd just been hit by a mack truck. People were talking to him and he looked humbled by the outpouring of support. He would later tell us that when he'd reserved the hall, he was expecting 100... maybe 115 people. He wasn't expecting a standing room-only crowd and over 200 people there to give support. Yet, here we all stood. A sign of solidarity.
I freely admit that I've been dealing with issues of transference and having projected my own humiliating daddy issues onto Rabbi Bramly these past few weeks was really screwing with my head. I was terrified that seeing him would conjure up emotions I am still not ready to deal with off of my therapist's couch. I'd managed to talk myself off of the ceiling a few days prior but I was terrified that I hadn't worked through my issues and they would rear their ugly head once again. But as I rounded the corner and recognized him, standing in the doorway in that suit that's always been just a little too long for his arms, I felt for him exactly what I wanted to feel - that of a daughter who hadn't seen her father in a long time.
And when it came time for me to say, "Hello! I made it! I'm here for you," a smile crossed his face, his eyes lit up, and he embraced me. He told me that he'd read my previous blog (House of Faith) and how it had meant so much to him. He told me that he was glad to see me, that he didn't think I would come. I had no words. I was just trying to keep myself from crying and becoming a miserable wreck. I was here for him. I told myself that as I walked in, I told myself that as I approached him, I told myself that as I wrapped my arms around him and once again felt the sweet embrace of someone who cares for you as much as you care for them. I'm not here for me. I'm here for you. Because I love you. Because you mean the world to me. Because YOU are MY Rabbi.
Then we did the town hall meeting. Rabbi Bramly spoke for a bit. His lawyer spoke for a bit. The Rebbetzen got up and spoke for a short while. The floor opened for questions. After a trove of legal questions, one woman got up and asked when he would be coming back to us. Her voice was echoed by the rest of the room and within minutes the congregants had turned on the board to express displeasure with how things were handled. This became a vicious all out battle but nobody from the board stood up to deal with this. In my opinion, they laid their bed and they were all being forced by the community to lie in it. Rebbetzen got up and spoke about how this meeting was to UNITE us, not divide us, and angrily told the congregants to simmer down.
Part of me felt relieved that I wasn't the only one who would follow Rabbi Bramly to the ends of the earth if he asked me. Quite frankly, I was glad that people started attacking the board. I have my own issues with the synagogue that I will not air to the public but suffice it to say, without Rabbi Bramly, the synagogue means nothing to me. Not anymore. They used to mean a great deal to me. But when they all turned their backs on me in my darkest hour of need, I turned my back on them. It's not like I didn't try to reach out. I did. And I even laid my soul bare in a public forum just so SOMEBODY would pick up the phone and dial my number. Nobody did. Not one single phone call, facebook message, email... nothing. As far as I'm concerned, they abandoned ME. And that's not a hurt I take lightly.
Part of me found myself staring at utter turmoil because the proposition on the table was "When are you coming back?" And Rabbi Bramly answered it by stating that once he's done vindicating his good name, and if the synagogue will have him back, he will be back. Here I was, ready to abandon all of them under the belief that he never WOULD come back. Yet he stood before the group of congregants angrily clamoring to have their Rabbi back and told us that he will come back to his pulpit as soon as he possibly could.
All this hurt welled up inside me as I listened to incensed person after incensed person take issue with how things have been handled since this malicious falsehood rocked our community. I wanted to get in line and air out my grievances too. But I stayed silent. I wasn't there to raise issue with the hypocrites who flat out abandoned Rabbi Bramly in his hour of need and then showed up and acted like they'd been on his side the whole time. I wasn't there to take issue with the Sisterhood that reminded me that I owed dues before asking how I was doing. I wasn't there to take issue with the fact that my phone has laid silent for weeks as I have had to redefine my life without Rabbi Bramly.
I was there for one reason and one reason only - to show Rebbe that I was still on his side.
Afterward, it was a fight to get through the crowds. A large barrier of people stood between me and getting to my beloved Rabbi. But I was desperate. Just one last chance to say goodbye and I needed him. I waited patiently. I stood in lines. I mulled over a great many one liners to say to him to ease the tension, bring a smile to his face and settled on one I thought would leave no room for tears. As the crowds thinned, it was just me and my Rebbe standing face to face. He wrapped his arms around me and I said, "Why do you always gotta throw a wrench in my plans? I was gonna move to Charlotte til I heard you might come back." He chuckled as he heard me say my one liner then pulled away and he spoke to me, as if we were the only two in the room... how he'd read my blog and many times he'd wanted to post a reply to it, but he never felt that his reply would be something I'd want the whole world to read. He told me that I'd called him Rebbe, and that meant the WORLD to him. He told me that he would ALWAYS be my Rabbi, that he would never stop BEING my Rabbi, and that he'd also felt that deep father-daughter connection I always felt. He spoke for what seemed like an hour but was in reality only a few moments. I couldn't help it. I started sobbing. He embraced me tightly and told me that he'd always be there for me, if ever I needed him. Which was exactly what I needed to hear. I didn't want to hear it... I wanted it to be all about him and how WE were supporting HIM. I went there to support HIM. I was broken, battered, and trying desperately to say my final goodbyes to the one man on the face of this earth who'd never failed me. And I walked out with him supporting me.
I'm sobbing now as I write these words and part of me doesn't WANT to write them down. I want to keep them secret... to tuck them in a shoe box and look at them whenever I'm feeling lost and alone. But I don't want these memories to fade. I don't want to lose his voice in my ear, telling me what I needed to hear, speaking to me as if I were the only person in the room. I don't want to lose the way I felt tonight as a wave of relief rushed over me, knowing I was never alone. I don't want to lose him all over again.
After I was composed enough to move through the crowds some more, I made my way over to the Rebbetzen. I had no words for her. She's going through the worst hell anyone can imagine... times 10. So I waited my turn to hug her and I said the only thing that came into my head... "My mother always said women are the backbone of the family. Stay strong. You'll get through this."
It sounds so trite now. I was embarrassed the moment those words slipped out of my mouth. What kind of strength do I have to offer this woman and what right do I have in giving her advice? Here's a woman with decades of life beyond me and I was trying to offer HER words of wisdom!? What the hell was wrong with me!! I couldn't believe I had said something so stupid and I quickly darted out of the room. I passed the drama, I avoided the dirty looks, and, as soon as the doors to the Holiday Inn opened to let me out, I fell apart at the seams.
Rabbi Bramly had told me EXACTLY what I needed to hear EXACTLY when I needed to hear it, whether or not I was ready to hear what he had to say on the matter.
And what tore me up inside was that I want so desperately to bring my first wrench to meet my second wrench.
You see, Rabbi Bramly openly stating that he will come back to TBS so long as they will have him was a BIG fucking wrench in my plans. As we stated in the last blog, I will follow him to the ends of the earth. But he was the second wrench in my plans.
You know, everyone I know keeps saying that the relationship you're meant to be in will magically show up when you're not looking for it. I've heard that a lot. It's never once happened to me. I was looking when I met Jason, when I met Justin, when I met Jeremiah. Never once has a dude just fallen into my lap. And not looking for anything was keeping me sane. It was keeping me focused on the prize. Work, home, library, and dog park. That was my life. There was no room for error. Charlotte was on the horizon and I had to get there. Besides... what man approaches someone at the library, especially when she's in sweats and her hair is still wet.
Well...
While perusing a copy of The Ghost of Hannah Mendes, a 32 year old career pilot who stands 5'11" with brunette hair, sky blue eyes, and a scruffy beard approached me in the fiction stacks at the local library. I was less than pleasant but he was persistent. He's also devastatingly attractive. And after a coffee, several hours of conversation, and flirty glances over a table, he had my number. A day later, he called me and we talked for four hours... about my plans to move and his life as a pilot and our families and our religious backgrounds. Within a couple of days, he was taking me out for dancing and karaoke. And before I knew it, I came up for air and realized that I was completely sprung over this kid. I didn't just LIKE him... I was completely and totally enamored with him. It's a short leap from where I stand right now to head over heels in love.
World... meet Wrench Number One.
And after a couple of whirlwind dates, several days of 4 hour long conversations on the phone, and one passion filled weekend, I have to admit to myself that when I fall, I fall hard and fast. I don't take the easy route at all. Love is one of those things that you think you plan for and then you get cracked on the head with the reality bat. I'm not saying I'm IN LOVE with wrench Number One. I'm not in love with anyone at the moment. But I know the possibility is there and I know that if this past week is any indication, I'm about 2 wrong steps from being cracked in the skull.
In my defense, I wasn't looking to meet a guy at all. It wasn't just the Dude. It was ALL men. I had long since given up on men in this town and I was convinced that my Prince Charming was waiting for me in Charlotte. I wasn't looking to date anyone, and I damn sure didn't want wrench number one to think he was GOING to be a wrench in my plans. My mind was made up. He was definitely hot and I was definitely in need of some good lovin'. But I was determined to blow this town and continue the search for my perfect Jewish gentleman elsewhere.
Charlotte is still a maybe in the grand scheme of things, unless I magically win the lottery. I do want to move home, to start my life over and raise a family where my parents will be close enough to enjoy being around their grandchildren. And even if it seems a pipe dream, I was still determined to keep my ties to this state minimal. I might invest a little in a friend I made here and there. But I wasn't out to make NEW friends, and I damn sure didn't want a guy showing up to throw a wrench in my plans. The Dude was safe, but he was annoying as all hell and every time we got together I would grow tired of his immaturity.
Let's be honest for a moment - it just wasn't working out, the Dude and me. We had never gone back to being exclusive and I'd been very clear with him that he would NEVER be a wrench in my plans to escape this state and move to Charlotte. I never once lied to The Dude about anything. I never said I loved him, I never led him believe our relationship was anything more than a pleasant distraction from the monotony of my daily life. But after our last evening out, when he couldn't ease up even the slightest about the superficial car damage... I started avoiding him too.
World, let me be frank for a moment and say that when I first broke up with The Dude, I created a list of logical reasons why I was ending things. And after Rabbi Bramly's arrest, I was in a particularly vulnerable and fragile emotional state. So it's easy to see why I took the first available shoulder to cry on and ran with it. But as time has gone on... as the bleeding gaping wound left when Rabbi Bramly was arrested started to scab over, I suddenly realized that I had a very distinct need in this world and The Dude would never be able to meet those needs. He's not a bad guy. I would never say that. He's a great guy. And some day he will make some girl very happy. But I'm not that girl. Unfortunately, I thought that he was getting on my nerves because I was PMSing or because the moon was full or new or a quarter of full. I kept letting shit slide with him that I shouldn't have let slide all because I was tired of people saying I was isolating and if The Dude was around, at least I had empirical proof that I wasn't.
But the reality is that I WAS isolating. I became a hermit of sorts. I didn't venture out to see friends, I quit answering the phone when I knew they wanted to go out, I didn't go out by myself anymore... except to the library and the dog park. Well I wasn't going to meet any good-looking, single, Jewish boys at the dog park. I wasn't making any long-lasting friendships there either. I might talk to people, be social for an hour or so until Isabelle got cranky and it was time to go home. But all in all, I wasn't leaving my house because I was convinced that there was nothing waiting for me out there.
I would go to work, bury myself in my job, go home, eat dinner, surf the internet, and go to bed. On Saturdays, I would go to the library to return the books I'd completed that week and pick up a new stack from the librarian's suggestions. On Sundays, I'd go to the dog park. Other than that, I was a hermit.
And then Wrench Number One walked in and fucked up everything. He didn't do it intentionally. He has made such a valiant effort to keep himself in check and to keep verbalizing that I'm leaving in 6 months. But I don't think either of us is buying it anymore.
I feel mildly bad for The Dude. I haven't yet told him that I'm going to be effectively cutting him off from all things me. Part of me hopes he reads this blog and understands that I never meant for any of this to happen - it just kinda DID. Things weren't working out anyway and I was already trying to figure out if I was just PMSing or if I was truly finally done trying with him. And it's not like I was up late one night cruising the personals looking for a man to keep me company. He came up to me at the library, of all places. Wrench Number One KNOWS I want to move to Charlotte and he knows that I've had this totally abnormal non-sexual thing going on with The Dude for the last month or so. I've been able to be unusually open and honest with Wrench Number One because I didn't want there to be any room for him to say I didn't tell him something. But, as I told him tonight, he's a big fucking wrench in my plans.
He apologized to me, said he never meant to be a wrench in my plans, that he knows how important this move is to me... but then he said that maybe us meeting wasn't a wrench in my plans. Rather it was my plans becoming fully realized. I persisted. He's a wrench in my plans.
My therapist told me to be prepared for a wrench in my plans. She didn't say to prepare for two. With only one wrench in the plans, it's easy to think that the plans you had can still be realized. But when there's two wrenches in your plans... and they're BIG fucking wrenches... life altering wrenches... you kind of have to take a step back and wonder if G-d herself isn't knocking on your door to tell you that you're full of shit and here's how I prove it.
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